A new routine

So two weeks ago I started working at a different school filling in for a sixth grade teacher who just had a baby. I will be doing that until the end of March. It was a big change from teaching art. First of all, since it is at a new school, I am starting from square one. I have to learn all new student names, meet and get to know the other teachers/staff, learn the new routines for passing in the hallway, keeping records, grading, lunch/recess duties not to mention the specifics of teaching social studies and reading (the two subjects I teach). It is going well and I am adjusting. Everyone has been welcoming and I am getting used to it, but sometimes find myself homesick for the other school. This job actually keeps me much busier. I am going all day long without even a minute to check my email and I bring a lot more work home (either grading or lesson planning). I teach 86 students (4 classes) social studies and then I teach one reading class made up of 20 of the kids.

Meanwhile, we are freezing in Indiana. We had two days this week with a two-hour delay to the start of school because of weather. I am a nervous driver when it comes to snow and ice. I find myself fantasizing about summer and 80 degree weather. But tonight I will be hunkered down here at home with a fire in the fireplace, a glass of red wine, and the season finale of Monk (which we recorded last week and I haven't had the chance to watch yet!). I have a couple of books I've been reading so maybe I'll spend some time with them this weekend. Sometimes a weekend around the house is the best medicine for a hectic week. We do plan to go back to the Quaker church this Sunday, but that is the extent of our plans at this point.

Oh, one more thing...I have not been tempted ONCE to give in and drink coffee. I haven't had so much as a sip this entire Lent so far. And that is a real feat considering the cold weather we've had.

Teaching Art

Yesterday was my last day to teach art. My 10 weeks flew by before I knew it. It was fun and I learned a lot. I took a few pictures of the hallway displays I made of my students' artwork.

Here is a project the first graders made called Rose Window. They folded and cut shapes out of black construction paper and then glued different colors of tissue paper over the spaces. Very basic, but they were learning cutting and glueing skills at this age. I also tried to introduce symmetry and you can see that some got it and some didn't.

Here is another project done by the first graders. We studied the Dutch painter Piet Mondrian. His artwork is noted for having black horizontal and vertical lines on a white background, with random primary-colored quadrilaterals. This is the first graders' attempt to imitate Mondrian.

This next project was done by the second graders. We studied the concept of value, or the spectrum of light/dark of a color. The students painted geometric shapes that began as white shapes and then gradually expanded in shades of gray getting darker and darker with each layer.

This last photo is of the chalk pastel artwork done by the sixth graders. They chose nature photos out of magazines and made observational drawings of the photos and then colored them with chalk pastels. This was an exercise in blending and matching color in addition to practicing drawing skills. I don't know how well you can see them, but some turned out really well.

I took a few more photos yesterday, but I don't have them in digital format yet. I'll post them when I get them.

I live for moments like these

Right now I am teaching my first grade classes how you can mix together primary colors and make secondary colors. They've talked about it and they know which colors make which, but they haven't actually done it themselves before. I am having them experience it through painting. On our papers we painted a yellow circle and a blue circle. I did it in a math-like formula (i.e. O + O = O) where we colored in the circles. I told them I didn't have green paint. One little boy's eyes lit up and he said, "We can mix together the yellow and the blue!" (He fed right into my lesson plan (wink, wink).) He was so excited. He acted as if he'd just figured out some complex equation or something. So I had them gather around me as I sat at a table. Using a paper towel as my palette, I had one dollop of yellow tempera paint and one dollop of blue tempera paint. I showed them how I could use my brush to mix the two together to form green. They were all leaning over watching with bated breath and when the color green finally became visible, they exclaimed, "Wow!" I hadn't seen them so excited before! It was like they didn't really believe it would really be green until they saw it with their own eyes. They couldn't wait to get the chance to do it themselves and they had trouble waiting for me to come around the room and give them the necessary paint.

We were working magic in that room, I tell you. And I will never forget it. I hope they don't either.

A Day in the Life of a Brand New Elementary School Art Teacher

This is really long and I apologize in advance. But if you've ever wondered what it is like to be a teacher, maybe this will be a glimpse into that world...

6:30 The sound of my husband getting out of the shower and rumbling around in the restroom wakes me and I shuffle to the kitchen for a cup of instant coffee and my first caffeine of the day. After checking in with my teenage son quickly about his plans for the day, I trade with my husband for the bathroom and step into the shower. By the time I am out of the shower 20 minutes later, my oldest son has already gone out to catch the school bus and my husband is eating his breakfast and about to leave for work.

7:00 Clad in bathrobe and a towel around my hair, I go into the younger boys’ room to wake them for the day. They grumble, but stumble out of bed and head for the dining room table as if led by a beacon. I make them each a bowl of instant oatmeal and pour small glasses of milk. Then for me it is back to my bedroom to change into my clothes. I usually have the local news on the TV so I can catch the day’s weather forecast and decide what to wear. Once I change my clothes, I am in the bathroom to dry my hair, apply makeup, and use my flatiron to style my hair. If I’m lucky, I’ll bring a bowl of cereal or oatmeal into the bathroom with me so I can eat bites in between makeup application. Fortunately, my 11yo son is independent. After finishing breakfast, he dresses himself, brushes his teeth and hair, and puts on his shoes and socks. When I am finished with myself, I track down the 5yo to change his clothes and brush his teeth.

7:50 We all grab our bags and whatever coat fits the day’s weather and head to the van. After quickly dropping the boys at the sitter’s house, I am on my way to the school.

8:15 When I arrive at the school, I stop in at the office to sign in. (I’ll only have to do this for the first few weeks until I switch over to “teacher pay”.) I order my lunch for the day and chat with the two secretaries and another teacher who is standing in the office. Then I head to the teacher’s lounge for another cup of coffee. Fortified with more caffeine, I head down the long hallway to the art room. Glancing around the room, I remember I wanted to double check the paintbrushes that the kids cleaned yesterday to make sure they’d gotten all the paint out. I set down my coffee and turn on the computer. Yesterday’s artwork was left in the drying rack over night to dry so I have to collect 3 different classes worth and put them into the correct storage drawer by grade and class. A third grade teacher whose class I had yesterday sticks her head in the door and we have a conversation about two girls that I had to reprimand for painting each other’s faces with tempera paint when the went to clean their brushes. I glance at the clock and notice I need to head outside for car rider/bus drop-off duty.

8:30 Putting my coat back on and grabbing my walkie talkie from its cradle on the window ledge, I walk up the main hallway to the front door and out onto the sidewalk where 20 or so children have already congregated. I notice the second graders are all wearing pajamas. Today is “pajama day” and they’ve brought slippers and pillows with them. Several of them want to show me their pajamas. I stand under the awning with them chatting about how comfortable they all look and supervising them to make sure they stay back from the incoming traffic as the buses arrive. Fortunately it’s a balmy morning for November. At 8:40 the first bell rings and the students are allowed into the building. They begin pouring out of the buses and slowly making their way to the two entrances. The gym and music teacher are also here supervising. We’re spread out along the sidewalk greeting the kids and making sure they all walk. Running is not usually a problem in the morning. Now, in the afternoon at release time is when running is a real temptation.

8:50 I stand inside the main doors by the office as the last of the car riders straggle in. When the 8:50 tardy bell rings, I have to direct any students who come in to go into the office for a tardy pass. Meanwhile, the morning announcements begin on the TV’s in each classroom as well as the one in the entryway of the school. Two sixth-grade girls are leading the school in the Pledge of Allegiance and the school pledge and telling us what is for lunch today. I make my way back to the art room to get ready for my first class of the day. I have 6 large tables in my room and on each table is a basket with 4 pencils and a plastic eraser. Every morning I sharpen all 24 pencils. The chairs are upside down on the tables but I leave them for the 6th graders to take down.

9:00 A 6th grade class has arrived for my first class of the day. They are finishing up chalk pastel drawings they’ve made using magazine photographs of nature scenes as their guides. Some of them are absolutely beautiful. In a couple of examples, they carefully blend chalk in shades of yellow, orange, pink, and purple to make a sunset scene at a beach or yellow, orange, red and brown to show a country hillside with the changing leaves of fall. A couple of slow boys still have 75% of their picture to finish and they get more chalk on their fingers and table than their artwork. But generally I am pleased. This will be the last day they work on this project. Next class we will start a project based on Islamic art.

9:40 The 6th graders clean up their tables and leave just as a 5th grade class arrives. They have been working on printmaking. They’ve made prints of fish they’ve drawn on rectangles of foam. They apply ink by rolling it on and then press the print onto paper. This class has already made one print each of their fish using black ink on white paper. Today I am placing trays of red, blue, or yellow ink on the tables. The students are to make two additional prints of their fish using the ink color of their choice on the paper color of their choice. This is a big class so it is rather chaotic as they move around the room making their prints. The final result, however, is nice. They are also finishing this project. Next class we will begin talking about primitive cave art and will make a mural for the hallway.

10:20 The 5th graders clean the ink off of their tables and leave as a 4th grade class arrives. Today we are starting a new project. Before we get into the project itself, we use the 4th grade art textbooks to discuss pattern and motif. I lead a long discussion to make sure everyone understands what both motif and pattern mean. I draw examples of different kinds of patterns on the board. We look for other examples of patterns around the room and think of some back in their classroom or at home. During the last 15 minutes of class I hand out a worksheet about pattern and motif to help me determine if they’ve understood the main concepts of the day. Next class we'll begin creating a paper quilt using two different motifs and two different media.

11:05 The 4th graders leave and I have a 5 minute break. I put the stack of pattern worksheets on my desk next to the computer so I can grade them later during my prep period. Then I go over to my sink to wash off the ink plates and rollers from the 5th grade class. I get the water too hot and scald my right thumb and a blister pops up. I leave the plates and rollers to dry, grab a sweater, and make my way downstairs to the cafeteria. I meet the librarian in the hallway. She and I have lunch duty during the 1st and 2nd graders’ lunch period. We walk around making sure they don’t fight or get out of their seats without asking and they keep the talking to a dull roar. Today some of the classes are eating in their classrooms so it is a quiet day. It is the day before Thanksgiving and one class is dressed as pilgrims and Indians. After they finish and take their trays up to be washed, the librarian leads them all in a rousing game of Simon Says before their teachers come to take them out to recess.

11:45 I have one hour and 20 minutes to eat lunch and for my prep period. Usually I eat lunch with the 3rd and 4th grade teachers first and them have my prep period after lunch. Today I decide to do my prep first so I can eat lunch later with my friends, the 5th and 6th grade teachers. First, I have to track down one of the custodians. I am going to have a class painting this afternoon and we need papertowels. Lots of papertowels. Once I get an industrial-sized roll of towels, I head back to the classroom where I grade the worksheets from 4th grade. Then I look at the planbook for next week. I need to write up the lesson plans for the 6th grade Islamic art project, the 5th grade cave art mural, and a 3rd grade mosaic project. I have to gather all the demo materials and other resources for each project. Once I gather all the materials, I place them into my bag in the closet so I remember to take them home. I’ll have to write the lessons at home as there is no time during the school day. Then I fill in the planbook with the continuation of ongoing projects for 4th, 2nd, and 1st grades. Just as I finish, I notice it’s time for lunch.

12:30 This is one of my favorite parts of the day. I sit in the teacher’s lounge eating a tray of food I’ve brought up from the cafeteria and we talk about whatever is on everyone’s minds today. There is a lot of joking around and teasing the few males in the room. Between laughing, we actually manage to eat. Everyone is in a good mood because we are starting a four-day weekend.

1:00 I go back to my room to brace myself for 3rd grade and painting. After yesterday’s face-painting escapade, I am going to be much stricter about letting the students loose on this. Despite mounting excitement over the coming weekend, this class goes pretty well. The third grades are working on a painting based on .Thiebaud’s Pies, Pies, Pies. They have lots of desserts. I’ve been teaching them how to mix various colors of paint to make pie crust, chocolate, pumpkin, strawberry, banana, etc. Some of them look really good. Others are kind of a mess, but they are learning about mixing colors. The mess and clean up are the worst parts.

1:45 The 3rd graders clean up their tables and brushes and hang their paintings to dry in the drying rack as the 2nd grade class comes in. We are starting a new project. Using the textbook, we look at black and white photography and discuss value. I’ve also brought in a book of Ansel Adams photography from home. We discuss how the photographs look using only shades of black, white, and gray. I show the students how you can make different values of gray depending on how hard you press with your pencil when drawing. At the end of class I have them do a worksheet so I can determine if they understand what is meant by value. At their next class we will begin a value painting with geometric shapes and paint in shades of black, gray, and white.

2:30 The 2nd graders leave and first grade comes in. I am teaching them how to make bubble letters. They each get a sheet of practice paper and use pencils to practice the bubble letters as I draw the entire alphabet one letter at a time on the chalkboard. They are really excited about this and I notice that this particular class can benefit from the review of the alphabet. After we practice all of the letters, I have them practice making bubble letters for their own names. Then we begin a project where they make bubble letters for their name on slick paper. Next class we will use markers to color in the letters and add graffiti around the outside of the letters.

3:10 The first graders go back to their classroom as the principal comes on the intercom for the daily afternoon announcements. He announces each class that had perfect attendance that day and we can hear that class cheer. Meanwhile, I go get my coat and my walkie talkie again and head outside for dismissal duty. At 3:15 the car rider bell rings and those children come out to find their cars. By the time the last student is picked up, it is almost 3:30. We signal the buses who are parked across the street to come over and line up next to our sidewalk. As they come, we attach a colored bandana to each right side mirror. The buses are color-coded from day 1 to help the youngest and special-needs children find the right bus. Once the buses are in place, the secretary comes over the intercom and asks teachers to “dismiss all buses at this time”. The doors burst open and the children flood the sidewalk. In a matter of minutes, it is quiet again and the buses are loaded. We wave and retrieve the bandanas as the buses pull out.

3:40 The last students have gone. I make my way back to the classroom to make sure all of today’s supplies are cleaned or put away. The first graders forgot to turn the chairs upside down on the table, so I begin doing it. The custodian comes in to sweep my floor and helps me with the chairs. I erase the chalkboard and go turn off my computer for the night. If it was a weeknight, I might stay and grade papers or work on hanging some artwork into the hallway. But it is the night before Thanksgiving and I am ready for the weekend too. At 4:00 I grab my things and make my way slowly to the parking lot, wishing Happy Thanksgiving to the teachers I pass in the hallway.

4:30 Once I’ve picked my 5yo up from the sitter, the first thing I do when I get home is sit down in the recliner and put my feet up. I am so tired and my feet and hips ache. Once I rest a bit, I have to go take some Tylenol. There are dirty breakfast dishes on the counter, but even standing right now hurts. I’ll have to wait until the Tylenol kicks in before I can deal with them. And dinner? I’ll call my husband and have him pick something up. At least my lesson plans can wait until after the holiday to write

Honey and vinegar

"You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." That saying has been weighing heavily on my mind for several weeks now. Particularly, there is a person in my life for whom this saying always jumps to mind.

She and I lead very similar lives. We have children similar ages and in similar activities. We are both substitute teachers who are trying to get full-time teaching jobs. We even have similar appearances. I've been mistaken for her on more than one occasion.

However, there is one notable difference. It is our dispositions. Now, I don't pretend to be Miss Holly Golightly. I have been down, particularly in the last few months. But I make a conscious effort not to take that face out into the world. I know it won't do me any good and won't further my causes.

This particular person is...well...a grumpy gus. She is always complaining about something. She snaps at people over the littlest things. She's just generally not a fun person to be around and I've noticed more and more people avoiding her lately. Her vinegar isn't attracting any flies.

She and I have commisserated over our struggles to get a job. I have made a decided effort to keep from complaining, but it is something that we do have in common. I have recently become aware of the fact that, while she in some ways is more experienced than me, she is having more trouble getting long-term gigs. I've learned that she is "not liked" by teachers and students and parents. I have also become more aware that I am generally well liked. My opportunities have started exploding on several fronts.

To help me get through my difficult times and keep fighting the good fight, I have prayed daily that I may be God's hands in the world. I try to be grateful for what I have and know that I have all that I need. God will provide. In every interaction I have with people, I try to remember to see the face of God in everyone and carry that awareness into the world. I really do feel like it has made a difference for me.

Meanwhile, I feel sort of bad for this woman. While I admit that she gets on my nerves too, deep down she is really trying hard to get a job. She honestly has no idea why she is having such a hard time. She is always grumbling about some kind of political subterfuge. She doesn't realize that her personality turns people off. I have not been able to think of a tactful way to suggest that maybe she could be a little friendlier to people. And I don't even know if it is my place. I was really uncomfortable when we were recently in a common group situation and others were talking to me about my upcoming maternity leaves. She was suddenly quiet as I believe the news was a surprise to her. And I felt a little guilty. I know that I got the jobs because of my own qualifications.

It is just awkward. I have my own opinions about what this woman's problems are in getting a job, but my sense of good manners keeps me quiet.

Changing focus

I miss my blog world.

I've been so busy with life lately that I'm neglecting my blog. But it's all good. Next Monday I start a new job teaching elementary school art full-time. I'm filling in for the art teacher who is having a baby and taking 10 weeks off. I'm really excited about it. I will be teaching children all kinds of art projects and I'll be able to explore my own artistic side which will be really cool.

My intention and hope is to share some of my projects with you all. I'm having digital camera issues at the moment so I can't make any promises, but I'm going to try.

Wish me luck! I'll see you all in the teacher's lounge!

It all starts now

This morning as I sat in the warm and humid sun of the soccer field, I was overcome by a feeling that "it all starts now". Everything. From now on. It starts now, in this minute.

I know, I know. Duh. On the surface this seems like an obvious thing to say. But is it really. How often do we go through life basing today and our thoughts for tomorrow on what has come before? It's an easy trap to fall into and I'd bet most people do it. We expect today and tomorrow to be like yesterday. In thinking those things we limit ourselves. We're limiting our future based on our memories or even perceptions of the past.

Two things came together this morning at about the same time that moved me to this awareness. First, my 11yo son played his soccer game. Now he has played soccer since he was 5. He has never been what you would call assertive athletically. For the first several years when he'd play, he'd jog around the rest of the players from a safe distance without ever really risking coming in contact with the ball himself. :-) Gradually he got to the point where he'd kick the ball if it happened to come to him and there wasn't another player bearing down on him. Today in his second game of this season I saw a different child. He was running with the ball, passing it to other players, and if someone tried to steal it from him, he held his ground and kept control of the ball. He has improved so much from the 5yo who wouldn't kick the ball. My husband pointed out that that is because now he believes in himself. He believes he can do it and so he does. He's let go of the memories of the boy who was afraid to kick the ball and opened himself up to the possibility of being someone who can defend the ball and control it. I don't care if he ever scores or if he makes the high school team or anything like that. But overcoming self-doubt is huge and is more than worth the entry fee we pay each year for him to play.

I also felt freed from limiting thoughts as I sat on the sidelines and watched him running up and down the field. I had just come from the post office where I mailed off four packets of application materials in my continuing job search. I had been closer than ever to giving up. Over the last couple of weeks I had almost decided I wasn't going to put myself through the repeated rejection and disappointment of not getting yet another job.

But something strange happened this week. On Thursday I shared with a teacher friend my hopelessness and difficulty in finding a job. She was able to show me a new website that I hadn't been aware of. On that website we found that the next school district over from ours had just advertised four elementary teaching positions the day before. Now, if you aren't in the elementary education world in the American midwest, you may not realize how unusual this is. Open positions are next to impossible to find, let alone *four* positions just down the road just posted the day before I connected with this friend and over a week *after* school already started. So I spent my Friday evening getting all of my application materials ready for each of the four positions and this morning I mailed them off.

I feel really good about this effort. Something just feels different this time. And as I sat on the soccer field this morning, I realized I had been limiting myself by self-doubt based on past failures.

But it all starts now. This is a new effort put out into the world. Something totally new could come from this. I'm going to stop thinking about what has already happened (or not happened as the case may be) and open myself up to future possibilities.

There's a fine line

Yes, there's a fine line between thinking positively and getting your hopes up. This is a spiritual dilemma that seems to keep popping up in my life and I never seem to get a handle on what I should do.

I have read spiritual books that advise that I should think positively, as if the thing that I want has already happened or as if I already have what I want. By putting those positive thoughts out into the universe, I make them more likely to happen. By putting out doubt, I am putting out my lack as truth and what I will get from that is only more lacking.

The flip side of this coin is getting ones hopes up. I have had several occasions in my life where I let myself believe I had won something or accomplished something as a way of "thinking positively" only to be deeply devestated when it didn't happen. So for me, I tend to not assume I have anything before it is official mostly as a way of protecting myself from inevitable disappointment. Maybe that negativity is part of my problem.

I have applied for the temporary one-year music teaching position that is my sister's regular job. Big J has been after me for a week now to email the new principal and let him know why I'm the perfect person for the job. Last night as I took my after-dinner walk around the neighborhood, I envisioned myself in the job. I imagined setting up the room, planning the curriculum, teaching the first few introductory days, etc. It did help me to get up my confidence and this morning as soon as I got out of bed I sat down at the computer and wrote the email to the principal. But visualizing myself in front of that classroom or on stage during the music programs or in meetings with other teachers gets me really excited and I am all the more scared that those things won't happen. I've been disappointed enough in the past that I'm reluctant to assume anything.

And, of course, in my line of work I'm liable not to hear anything either way until after August first. Sigh. I will not let this worry hijack my summer vacation!

A girl on my mind

Today I can't stop thinking about one of the girls I've come to know through my substitute teaching experience.

Last spring I worked as a special substitute teacher who would go to one of the elementary schools every Tuesday and Thursday and fill in for the regular teacher who would do a pull-out enrichment program for the gifted/talented kids. I would take their regular classes for them. One of the classes was a fourth grade class and this particular girl (S) was a student in the class. I was in that classroom once a week every week for the last two months of school. Also, the teacher had something come up out of town at one point and I had to fill in for her for an entire week. So these kids were *very* familiar with me. S is one girl, in particular, who used to come back and talk to me all the time and tell me about this or that going on or she'd ask me about different things, just to chit chat during extra time. She's one of the sweetest girls I've met. She had some learning issues and worked with one of the resource teachers and was a little behind grade-level, but not terribly so. She was in student council and played softball and was popular with the other girls.

I haven't been at that school a lot this year, but I'd heard through the grapevine that S had suddenly started having seizures. A lot. They couldn't figure out what was causing them. I think they eventually diagnosed her with epilepsy and she is on medication, but she still has frequent seizures. She is in fifth grade now. She has changed so much and I am especially shocked by her personality changes. She now has a full-time aide who never leaves her side except during lunch when the lunch duty teacher stands right by S in the cafeteria in case she has a seizure. A couple of weeks ago I was in her class again and she looked at me funny like I was vaguely familiar. She asked me what my name was. I think I kept a neutral face when I told her my name, but inside I couldn't believe she didn't remember. We'd had hundreds of conversations last year! In the last couple of weeks I've been around her again. She remembers my name now, but I'm noticing how much she's changed. She is timid and seems to always have a look on her face like she's confused. She doesn't interact as much with the other kids. Her aide says there are many times when she doesn't seem to know where she is. She's always been skinny, but now she's lost so much weight she looks terribly unhealthy to me. She has scabs on her elbows and forehead from falls she's taken during seizures. I haven't actually seen her have a seizure, but I understand the class and teachers are used to it by now.

I can't believe this is the same girl that I knew last year. It breaks my heart just seeing her and today I wondered what her parents must be going through watching their daughter change like this. It must be so scary and heartbreaking.

This is what happens when you get attached to kids you work with. I'll be praying for her and her family.

The countdown is on...

8 more school days: 5 days next week and 3 the following week and then we're done. You can feel things winding down as important projects are finished up. Today was the last possible day for field trips for the year. Finals are coming up at the high school. Lots of faculty parties are going on (although I have not been invited to any personally since I'm "just" a sub).

For now I'm just thankful it's Friday. I'm tired and need some time off. I hate feeling tired all the time. The rest of the world never seems to act as tired as I feel. That being said, I'm off for my 5:00 coffee to help me through the rest of the day. I remember 20 years ago (ACK!) when I was 20 years old and at 5:00 on a Friday I'd just be getting started. That ship has long since sailed!

10 More Days

Just 10 more school days, including today, until summer vacation begins. I am actually looking forward to it. This spring has been really busy for me between working nearly full-time, driving kids back and forth to various meetings, family outings, etc. I'd love a day to just hang out and do nothing. Of course I also have tons of projects around the house that I've been putting off until school was out so I definitely have plenty to do. But I'm ready for a change of pace.

This also means I'll be able to blog more regularly once I have more access to the computer.

Job search saga continues

The elementary school principals had their annual staffing meeting on Thursday morning to determine their openings for next year. (All 5 schools do it together as a group rather than individual schools doing individual hiring.)

Yesterday at lunch my principal came up to me to tell me that there are 3 projected openings at the elementary level in the entire corporation for next year. (Yes, only 3 - WOW! So much for the media-announced teacher shortage in 2007!) They are interviewing only 5 people for those 3 spots...and I am not one of the five. He told me not to take it personally...they are only interviewing those people who did at least a one-semester leave this year. My one month in special ed doesn't count.

This makes the third school year in a row that has ended with me being passed over for an interview. You cannot just apply to this school corporation and expect to be considered. You have to figure out how to worm your way into a long-term sub position (being related to someone important or becoming their "pet" doesn't hurt).

The only thing I'm holding onto right now is that there are a couple of temporary (one-year) openings next year. One of them is my sister's job. I think I've mentioned before that she's taking a sabbatical. For the past 3 years I have been the preferred sub for her because I know music and I know her routine. For the longest time I had students (and even some teachers) asking if I was a music teacher. If the current principal were hiring for her job for next year, I'd have a really good chance at it due to my experience. But he is retiring and another guy is transferring over from another school in the corporation. He knows me too, but not necessarily in a music context. My name won't pop into his head immediately. My principal did say he'd talk to the new guy about me.

I'm not certified in music - just general elementary education. However, I was in instrumental music for 11 years including marching and concert high school bands and marching and concert bands for 4 years in college. Plus I took music history and theory as electives in college. So for one year I feel like I could do the job.

But if I've learned anything over the last three years, it is that I can't count on anything. My self-confidence and self-esteem are so low right now. I know on paper it looks like it isn't personal. But the "cut-off" they imposed on who they will interview was arbitrary. They could just as easily have widened the search to include anyone who'd done multi-week sub gigs. They chose not to...even after I had emailed the principals personally. I can't help wonder what role that played in the whole thing.

I'm trying not to think about it too much. I am depressed. It isn't the first time and I doubt it will be the last. It's hard to constantly feel like you keep failing no matter how hard you try.

When you love what you do

My sister has been an elementary music teacher for 11 years and she's burnt out. She has already filed papers to take a sabbatical next school year. She's going to be a Stay-at-Home Mom and In-Home Daycare Provider at her house. I have another friend who is a teacher in another country and she has gotten so fed up with her situation that she walked in and resigned this week. I hear grumbling in the teacher's lounge about this or that policy or lack of administrative support or whatever. There are grumpy teachers everywhere and to some degree I can't blame them. It is really hard (and often thankless) work.

But right now I am absolutely loving what I'm doing. I'm not even getting paid a full teacher's salary yet and my position is only temporary. But I so love the challenge of figuring out what each individual kid needs and coming up with a plan to give it to him/her. I love gathering the resources that'll help it stick with them. I never felt this thrill when I worked in a library and now that I've found it, I can't imagine doing anything else.

This week I had visions of my dad working through me as I sat at a table working with one of the girls. My dad was a classroom teacher for over 30 years. He is also a silly and goofy person. He'd come up with all of these silly stories to help kids remember things. One that I remember is the Gozintas. He taught 6th grade math and he'd talk about the Gozintas. When someone would ask him who are the Gozintas? He'd say, "You know, three Gozintas twelve four times and two Gozintas six three times." High school kids would come back to visit him years later and they'd ask him things like how the Gozintas were doing. ;-) Every year the graduating seniors in his school corporation were asked to invite their favorite elementary and secondary teachers to a banquet to celebrate their graduation. My dad was invited every year. And last year was the year his last class graduated and, not only was he invited again, he received a plaque as the award for having been selected for the most consecutive years by graduating seniors. That was pretty cool. He definitely made an impression on a lot of kids.

I thought of him as I introduced Emily to writing money amounts with Dollar Sign and his partner the Decimal Point. I kept emphasizing that they work together and you never see the Dollar Sign without his partner. We did a lot of practice using a dry erase board and if she forgot the decimal I'd say, "Wait a minute...what did we forget?" and she'd grin and say, "His partner!" I reminded her that his partner had a very important job: he has to separate the dollars from the cents! I kept giving her money amounts and having her write them and by the end of class she was consistently doing it correctly!

I love this job.

Teaching is hard work

It was 6:00 in the morning, half an hour before my alarm was set to go off, and I was wide awake staring at the ceiling. My mind was racing with thoughts about the kids I'm working with. Emily needs extra help with writing 3-digit numbers and with story problems calculating dates. Abby needs extra help telling time in 5-minute increments. And the sixth grade boys are at the end of their reader. What should I do starting next week? I am starting to see what individual student needs are and I am champing at the bit to address those issues.

I got to school a little bit early this morning and went to talk to another teacher about borrowing some resources from her to use with these kids. I could tell I needed to reteach some concepts. I took a look at today's and tomorrow's plans and shifted a few things around so that I had time to concentrate more on those specific deficits. I found manipulatives to use (a must for slower learners) and kind of made games out of them. By the end of today I felt like Emily had mastered 3-digit numbers and Abby could tell time to the nearest 5 minutes! Yay! Now, I'm not so naive as to think tomorrow they will remember it all, but they did know it today. I'm going to spend a few minutes at the beginning of each class reviewing it so they don't forget.

At the end of the day today, I started to look ahead to the week after next (next week is spring break). I started to write out plans and gather materials. You can't really imagine what a huge job that is until you actually do it! I spent close to 45 minutes and all I managed to get planned and organized was 3 separate sets of math plans for the week (for 3 separate kids). I still have to make two sets of math plans (for 4 kids) and two sets of reading plans (for 5 kids) for the week. It doesn't help that the other LD teacher is so busy that I have trouble tracking her down when I have a question and I have to go digging around for answers.

I really am excited about getting involved in this. I kind of hate the fact that we'll be on spring break next week. I feel like I'm getting geared up and building my momentum. I want the chance to really work with these kids and here I have to take a week off! (I know the other teachers would kill me if they knew I thought that. Ha!)

Can I do this?

I have taken to listening (sometimes) to KLOV which is the network of Christian radio stations. (Sometimes the talking in between songs gets to be more than I can stomach, but I like most of the songs.)

Anyway, yesterday on the way in to work I heard one of their little snippets of reflective words by Rick Rogala called Fuel for Living where they spoke about the fear we often feel when venturing out into something knew. (Uncanny how these things come to us at just the right times in our lives.) Specifically, we feel self-doubt and question whether we are up to the task we are about to undertake. Basically, the message was one of reassurance that we are where we are because we are supposed to be and to go where we are led knowing that we are the right person for the job. It's kind of like that saying, "God never gives us more than we can handle." Now, I have to admit that that saying always sounded kind of hokey to me. It was just another way for religious right to shy away from real concrete answers. But I can see now that there is some truth to it.

Fight or flight is a human instinct. As I was driving down the road Monday morning to face my first day as full-time learning disabilities teacher for the next month, my instinct was flight. ACK! What am I about to do?

But I am the right person for the job, and the job is the right one for me at this time in my life. It really is something you might call divine. This is my first full-time teaching experience since college. It is only one month long while I fill in for another teacher who is on bedrest and I'm doing it until the special education replacement can start at the end of April. I am not working with a full class, but with about 8 kids throughout each day. I will be doing minor planning and grading and I will learn how to enter grades into the electronic system. You might say I am getting the opportunity to cut my teaching teeth. I am also making a name for myself among school staff, receiving a letter of recommendation from my principal, and right at the time when they are almost ready to begin hiring for the next school year. This isn't the job that I would want long-term, but it is going to serve me well. And I hope I do the same for the job. So far the students seem to be responding well to me and I can see that I am helping them.

I'm glad I fought that initial instinct to flee.

Finally...they threw me a bone

For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that I am on my third school year working as a substitute teacher and trying to get picked up for a full-time contract position. Competition is fierce and nepotism is one of my biggest obstacles. You have to know someone in order to be assigned a long-term sub position (i.e. maternity leave) and then you have to fill a maternity leave before you'll be considered for a contract spot. If you can't get someone to give you a maternity (or similar) leave, then you keep running into a brick wall. Earlier this year I thought I was a shoe-in. A third-grade teacher was pregnant and due in February and was planning to take most of the second semester off. I was her favorite sub and she regularly requested me. She made a huge plug to get me hired to cover her maternity leave. The principal also likes me and has made me one of two people who are called first for every sub job at his school. I was interviewed along with 4 other people. Everyone unofficial though I had the job in my back pocket. But one of the candidates (who happens to be the daughter of the athletic director in a neighboring school district) was serving a health leave at a different school and the superintendent's office informed "my" principal that that woman should be given the maternity leave. I didn't really have a chance.

Anyway, a new situation has come up. Another teacher who is pregnant and due in May was just put on bedrest. The woman taking her maternity leave can't start until April 30 (this is a special ed position and they want a special ed person to take the full maternity leave which is understandable). Anyway, they called me yesterday and offered me the job for March 26-April 27. It isn't a contract position or even a long maternity leave. But it is a month-long assignment (anything longer than one week requires certification and is a step up on the hierarchy). If nothing else, maybe this will be what it takes for me to finally get my foot in the door and get an actual interview for next fall. I feel like I am standing right outside the door and am liked well enough by teachers and principals. I just have to wait for all the pieces to slide into place.

The knot in my back

I have been suffering with a grapefruit-sized knot in my back just under my left shoulder blade. I have been using a heating pad, hot showers, some of those TermaCare wraps that have little metal things in them that warm up. I've gotten Big J to rub my shoulders a couple of times. While those things will make me feel better temporarily, nothing takes it away for good. It has been nearly two weeks now! It's miserable and distracting.

I haven't done anything overly physical lately to cause it. It could be that it is time for a new mattress, but I'm not convinced that's it either. Big J (a trained massage therapist) asked if I was stressed. I didn't really think so when he first asked me, but I've been thinking about it.

I do have a sense of unrest about my life that I suppose could be manifesting itself in the form of a knot in my back. My birthday, while it turned out to be good overall, was difficult for me emotionally. And my professional life (such as it is) has me at rope's end. I feel like I am really close to giving up on my job search. A year ago I was "the" sub. I was first or second on the list, was called and requested way in advance and always filled up my calendar...sometimes getting two or more requests for the same day. Fast forward to today and I am working one or two days a week. Plus, I know that there are subs being called on days when I am not even called at all. And I can't get an interview for a contract position no matter how hard I try. I have been at this for two and a half years and I don't feel my chances are any better now than they were then. I feel like a huge part of my problem is my age. I keep seeing these 22 year old sorority girl types coming right out of college and getting picked up for maternity leaves and even contract jobs. Meanwhile, I get nothing despite the fact that I'm good.

Anyway, I am unhappy a lot these days. I have a lack of balance in my life because I spend almost all of my time thinking about my job prospects. I need to put that on a back burner and honor other parts of my life for a while. Maybe it is true that a watched pot never boils. If I stop focusing so much on my career, maybe something will happen.

In the meantime, I am thinking this could/should be my focus for Lent. While I am excited about the comment below that Rev. Ron made about UUCF Easter resources and I plan to order them, I was also looking at something at Beliefnet that caught my eye. There was an interview with Father Thomas Keating about "Lent as Divine Therapy". I've read a book about Christian Meditation (a.k.a. Centering Prayer) which is a movement Keating is credited with founding. The interview (sorry I don't have the link anymore) describes Lent as a time for spiritual retreat for Christians. (This is exactly what I was talking about looking for.) Here's a quote from the interview that hits the nail on the head for me:

Lent is the time to expect temptation and [experience] afflictive emotions such as shame, humiliation, anger, greed, the time to look at how those instincts, which are developed in early childhood are frustrated -- or gratified. See there's a hazard in self-exaltation if we get what we want, or depression if we don't get what we want. To work on those [emotions] during Lent, I think, is more effective than fasting or rituals.

I need to work on the depression from not getting what I want (a job). I've been interested in Centering Prayer since I read about it. But I am not very disciplined and have only done it in fits and starts. Maybe I'll buy a Keating book (Open Mind, Open Heart maybe?) and use that as my focus for Lent 2007.

An afternoon in Lifeskills

This afternoon I subbed for the teacher in a severely mentally handicapped classroom (officially called the "Lifeskills" class). There are 5 students in the class although one was absent. Of the four students present, only one was in any way verbal and he could only say a few random words. Lots of sign and body language. (If we'd had a more structured "regular" agenda, I would have seen them use lots of photos laminated for the kids to point to to get their ideas across.) But I was a sub and one of the aides was a sub. With only one regular aide there, it was very laid back today. Except for one counting activity, it was mostly just focused play.

I was only there for the afternoon so that the head teacher could go to a special ed teacher meeting at the high school. I played with cars and a ramp with a first grade and a 4th grade boy. I helped that first grade boy listen to audio cassettes with headphones. And I helped the 4th grade boy do a software program on the computer. (Actually he did better than I did because I couldn't figure out how to use the big roller ball thing they use as a mouse.)

I saw total joy when the 5th grade girl (who developmentally is probably only 18 months to two years old) was struck by a fit of giggles when the sub aide couldn't get one of the cabinets shut. The lock broke so it wouldn't shut all the way and it started banging. This girl just started shrieking with laughter. The rest of us couldn't help but join in with her laughing. It was infectious. To be able to find such joy in the simple things in life...

I was thinking about how in the regular classrooms I take so many things for granted with those kids. For these kids today, being able to stand up without adult help is an accomplishment worthy of praise. Counting out 6 toy bugs correctly earned so much praise for the beaming little boy I worked with.

Just Monday I was sitting in a 6th grade classroom reading a book about differentiated education in which they recommended creating tiered questions (3 levels of questions with increasing difficulty per level). I was contemplating comprehension questions like the basic recall details, etc. all the way up to "higher" level questions involving synthesis and analysis of information studied.

Today's experience put the whole concept of "differentiated education" into a new perspective.

Those four children (and the adults who spend their lives working with them) touched me today. And I'm not just referring to all the hugs I got at the end of the day. I am so lucky to be able to have little windows into such a huge variety of worlds. Next time I start to feel stressed or depressed, I'll just remember the blissful face of that little girl as she waved her hands and tried to pop the bubbles blown by her aide.

Our Friend, Martin

Yesterday afternoon I subbed in a second grade classroom. Since Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day (and a school holiday) the last thing on the schedule for the day was a showing of the movie, Our Friend, Martin. It was about an hour long. Nothing like showing a movie on a Friday afternoon. I've shown movies before where kids are fidgetty by 20 minutes into the movie so I was worried about something a whole hour long.

But this movie was really good. It is a cartoon with a bit of an air of It's a Wonderful Life to it. Using the magical device of time travel, modern youth are transported back in time into various times in MLK's life. Actual newsreel footage is interspersed into the story. It was really well done and (best, in my opinion) it held the attention of 21 second graders! As you could imagine any film about MLK would be, it was difficult to watch in parts. At one point, the youth go back and bring Martin forward in time to show him how things have changed. However, because they remove him from the time continuum, the changes he made never happened. They are shocked to return to their own time and find segregation on buses, at drinking fountains, in schools, etc. still rampant and white and ethnic kids do not hang out together. They don't want Martin to go back because they know his fate, but they realize that what he did for society as a whole was too important. I was thankful we had the lights turned off because I was very teary-eyed in the back of the classroom. As I looked around the classroom of 100% caucasian kids in a school that is probably 98% caucasian, it seemed so important to me to show this film and I can see why the teacher had chosen it.

Back to school

It's that time of year again. School starts for me and the kids next week. Yesterday I took the kids shopping for school supplies. (I do have to say that Target was MUCH better than Walmart in the school supply department - both selection and price -, for those of you getting ready to do your own shopping.)

I have to say that as opening day approaches I feel more and more of a sense of helpless resignation and depression. All summer long I've been hoping I'd get called for a permanent (or at least long-term) teaching assignment. But at this point we have less than a week to go and my phone hasn't rung.

My sister, the music teacher, did call and ask me if I was free to sub for her on Aug. 25, so I got my first sub call of the year. Sigh. Whoop-tee-doo...

I have enjoyed substitute teaching. It has provided me an opportunity to get to know lots and lots of people. It has also helped me to feel at home in the classroom again. But frankly, after two years of this, I am getting frustrated. While I appreciate all the accolades I get from school personnel about how I'm such a "wonderful" sub and they call me usually 5 days a week to work...no one will hire me for a professional position! If I'm as great as they say I am, what is the problem?? I don't get it. But I am professionally bored with being a glorified babysitter when I am trained to do so much more. Also, with Little J only a few years from college, we seriously need for me to make a real salary and not just the peanuts they throw at me for subbing (most of which go to the babysitter anyway).

It is so frustrating and I have such a hard time trying to stay positive. I've been told that the end of this coming school year will see many teacher retirements so my chances are good that I'll get hired by then. Blah. So I guess I will begin my third year of subbing.