The knot in my back

I have been suffering with a grapefruit-sized knot in my back just under my left shoulder blade. I have been using a heating pad, hot showers, some of those TermaCare wraps that have little metal things in them that warm up. I've gotten Big J to rub my shoulders a couple of times. While those things will make me feel better temporarily, nothing takes it away for good. It has been nearly two weeks now! It's miserable and distracting.

I haven't done anything overly physical lately to cause it. It could be that it is time for a new mattress, but I'm not convinced that's it either. Big J (a trained massage therapist) asked if I was stressed. I didn't really think so when he first asked me, but I've been thinking about it.

I do have a sense of unrest about my life that I suppose could be manifesting itself in the form of a knot in my back. My birthday, while it turned out to be good overall, was difficult for me emotionally. And my professional life (such as it is) has me at rope's end. I feel like I am really close to giving up on my job search. A year ago I was "the" sub. I was first or second on the list, was called and requested way in advance and always filled up my calendar...sometimes getting two or more requests for the same day. Fast forward to today and I am working one or two days a week. Plus, I know that there are subs being called on days when I am not even called at all. And I can't get an interview for a contract position no matter how hard I try. I have been at this for two and a half years and I don't feel my chances are any better now than they were then. I feel like a huge part of my problem is my age. I keep seeing these 22 year old sorority girl types coming right out of college and getting picked up for maternity leaves and even contract jobs. Meanwhile, I get nothing despite the fact that I'm good.

Anyway, I am unhappy a lot these days. I have a lack of balance in my life because I spend almost all of my time thinking about my job prospects. I need to put that on a back burner and honor other parts of my life for a while. Maybe it is true that a watched pot never boils. If I stop focusing so much on my career, maybe something will happen.

In the meantime, I am thinking this could/should be my focus for Lent. While I am excited about the comment below that Rev. Ron made about UUCF Easter resources and I plan to order them, I was also looking at something at Beliefnet that caught my eye. There was an interview with Father Thomas Keating about "Lent as Divine Therapy". I've read a book about Christian Meditation (a.k.a. Centering Prayer) which is a movement Keating is credited with founding. The interview (sorry I don't have the link anymore) describes Lent as a time for spiritual retreat for Christians. (This is exactly what I was talking about looking for.) Here's a quote from the interview that hits the nail on the head for me:

Lent is the time to expect temptation and [experience] afflictive emotions such as shame, humiliation, anger, greed, the time to look at how those instincts, which are developed in early childhood are frustrated -- or gratified. See there's a hazard in self-exaltation if we get what we want, or depression if we don't get what we want. To work on those [emotions] during Lent, I think, is more effective than fasting or rituals.

I need to work on the depression from not getting what I want (a job). I've been interested in Centering Prayer since I read about it. But I am not very disciplined and have only done it in fits and starts. Maybe I'll buy a Keating book (Open Mind, Open Heart maybe?) and use that as my focus for Lent 2007.