Stations of the Cross and Paul

Lest you think I'm combining these two topics, I included both the Stations of the Cross and Paul in my title today because I want to address both of these separate and distinct topics.

This morning I went along as co-teacher on a field trip with our 5th/6th grade RE class to an outdoor retreat center at a Catholic church so that we could walk the Stations of the Cross. (FYI, the Stations of the Cross is a 14-stop walk that symbolizes the walk that Jesus made through Jerusalem on Good Friday on his way to his execution.) We took 8 of our young people and 6 adults. Of course, we framed it all in our UU perspective, but I have to say it is one of the few experiences that I've had at the UU church which really struck me to the core. Most of what I do at the UU church feels so spiritually dry and empty that this was an amazing and blessed departure. I love having Jesus as part of my church experience, which at the UU church is rare. After all, it *is* Palm Sunday.

Then this afternoon was the monthly meeting of my UU Christian Circle. Our discussion topic for the day was Paul. I have to say that I haven't been a fan a Paul. I have attributed much of what I feel is wrong with the modern Christian church to Paul. Our discussion today (based on the Living the Questions curriculum developed by the United Methodist Church) has caused me to rethink Paul and makes me want to go back and reread the Pauline parts of the New Testament. What I learned was two earth-shattering and important things.

First, of the 13 letters often attributed to Paul, scholars only think 7 were actually written by Paul himself. The other 6 are believed to have been written later by followers of Paul who adapted his message to soften Paul's message of radical grace. So it is possible that the misogynist and homophobic statements attributed to Paul may actually have come from his followers who were trying to make Paul's teachings fit in a patriarchal, conservative society.

The second thing I learned was about the mistranslation of the word Pistis from the original text. This word was translated originally as "faith in" as in having "faith in Jesus" being the key to salvation. But in reality the closer translation would have been "faithfulness of". So the key to salvation was in believing in the "faithfulness of Jesus". If the scriptures had been translated that way all along, the emphasis would have been in following the teachings of Jesus rather than worshiping and deifying the man. Christianity and the western world would have been a totally different thing if not for that one mistranslation.

I must reread the New Testament...

29th day of Lent

This is my 29th day without coffee, and you know, I don't really even miss it anymore. Now I have to admit that the weekends are the hardest. It is especially hard on a Saturday afternoon when it is 28 degrees outside and I come inside from running errands. On those occasions, I have had some flashes of yearning for a cup of coffee and a good book while curled up under a blanket next to the window. But at least I am no longer hanging on and counting my life in terms of how long it is until the next cup of coffee. ;-/

By the way, I always thought Lent was 40 days (between Ash Wednesday and Easter). But tonight, in calculating how many days I've been without coffee, I find that 40 days actually takes me to Palm Sunday rather than Easter. So is "Lent" over on Palm Sunday or is Lent actually 47 days long? Not that it matters, but now I am confused...

A new routine

So two weeks ago I started working at a different school filling in for a sixth grade teacher who just had a baby. I will be doing that until the end of March. It was a big change from teaching art. First of all, since it is at a new school, I am starting from square one. I have to learn all new student names, meet and get to know the other teachers/staff, learn the new routines for passing in the hallway, keeping records, grading, lunch/recess duties not to mention the specifics of teaching social studies and reading (the two subjects I teach). It is going well and I am adjusting. Everyone has been welcoming and I am getting used to it, but sometimes find myself homesick for the other school. This job actually keeps me much busier. I am going all day long without even a minute to check my email and I bring a lot more work home (either grading or lesson planning). I teach 86 students (4 classes) social studies and then I teach one reading class made up of 20 of the kids.

Meanwhile, we are freezing in Indiana. We had two days this week with a two-hour delay to the start of school because of weather. I am a nervous driver when it comes to snow and ice. I find myself fantasizing about summer and 80 degree weather. But tonight I will be hunkered down here at home with a fire in the fireplace, a glass of red wine, and the season finale of Monk (which we recorded last week and I haven't had the chance to watch yet!). I have a couple of books I've been reading so maybe I'll spend some time with them this weekend. Sometimes a weekend around the house is the best medicine for a hectic week. We do plan to go back to the Quaker church this Sunday, but that is the extent of our plans at this point.

Oh, one more thing...I have not been tempted ONCE to give in and drink coffee. I haven't had so much as a sip this entire Lent so far. And that is a real feat considering the cold weather we've had.

Lent - Breaking the Bonds

I meant to make an Ash Wednesday post yesterday, but my schedule being what it is, I wasn't able to get online long enough. Since I accepted Christianity, I've loved the seasons of Lent and Advent because of the opportunity for spiritual focus. I'm not a Catholic and don't do things "by the book", but like all matters Christian, I'm finding there is much to be gained by taking a closer look at traditions.

In my pre-Christian days, with chip firmly placed on shoulder, I adamantly opposed the idea that I should be forced to give something up. I rolled my eyes at the idea that God would like me better if I gave up chocolate for six weeks. But now that I'm looking at things differently, I realize that rather than a burden, Lent is an opportunity. Twice a year (Advent being the second such time) I can focus with more intention on my spirituality and grow closer to God.

I just read a Lenten sermon from 2006 written by UU Minister, Rev. Amy B. Freedman, about voluntarily giving something up for Lent. You can read it yourself at Lent: Voluntary Surrender. I had already decided to give up coffee for Lent this year, and this sermon just confirms what I already felt. For a while now, coffee has had an unhealthy hold on my life. I have been held captive by the need for coffee. In recent months I had gotten to the point where I'd have 4-6 cups per day. Some might think that my desire to kick the coffee habit is health related. I admit that I know that much caffeine is not good for me. But the real reason I want to break the coffee bond is the psychological hold it has on me. I don't want to *need* any substance that much anymore. I want to develop more discipline and control over my life. I think of this as a spiritual battle. I am also being more intentional about daily prayer.

On Fat Tuesday I made myself a nice big mug of steaming coffee with cream and savored every sip. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I made myself a cup of tea. I'm not a fan of tea. It's only okay in my book. It is to help me get over the initial hurdle and then I won't drink it. Tea will not be hard to give up.

So far (after almost 2 days) I have not missed my coffee much. The only times I have thought about having coffee, it was an emotional thing and not a physical one. I miss the comfort of a cup of coffee after coming in from the cold or early in the morning while still in my jammies. This emotional reaction just confirms my belief that coffee had too much control in my life.

My son laughed and said he didn't believe I'd make it all the way to Easter without coffee. I will. Just you wait and see.

a Generous Orthodoxy

For those of you who have been checking my blog and wondering when I was going to get around to regular posting again, I think I am back. I still have a trace of a cough and I'm struggling with fatigue (especially yesterday, for some reason). But I am getting back to normal. I promise to post more regularly again.

As a substitute teacher, I have a tote bag of "goodies" that I take along with me when I am out on a job. In addition to a bottle of water, an whistle (for recess duty), a bottle of tylenol, a sudoku book and pencil, and a koosh ball (for those last few minutes before dismissal when a game of Quiet Ball is in order), I often carry along with me a book that I'm reading. During each day, every teacher gets a "prep" period when the kids are not with them (usually they're in music, art or PE class) during which time the teacher does "prep" work like writing lesson plans, making photo copies, etc. Being a sub, I have no "prep" to do so I have a 30 minute or so break. This gives me an opportunity to do some reading.

Right now I am carrying around Brian D. McLaren's book a Generous Orthodoxy. This book has been on my "to be read" list for months now but I could never get my hands on a library copy and didn't want to spend the money on it. Well, finally I decided that if I want to read this book while living in an area whose public library generally doesn't own books with a liberal view of Christianity, I was going to have to spend the money and buy it myself. To be honest, this is one of those books that I would probably want to buy anyway just because 1) it speaks to the Big Picture that I've noticed forming and making up my individual spiritual path and 2) it is so packed with information that I know I will want to reread and readdress many points several times. And I'll probably want to scribble my own thoughts in the margins.

At this point I am not quite done so I am not at a point where I could post any kind of review. But I have already come across several ideas that stand out to me and have me saying to myself, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" A couple of his statements actually brought tears to my eyes as I was struck by their Truth.

By way of summary I will paraphrase here some of the noteworthy ideas from part I: Why I Am a Christian:

* I have synthesized much of what McLaren says into the idea that a big problem with Christianity is in the language we use to describe what it means to be Christian and its subtle differences in interpretation.

* He identifies 7 different Jesuses he has known (i.e. different perspectives on Jesus) and provides food for thought about how we have been taught to perceive Jesus and whether there might be other ways to interpret Jesus' significance in ways that are more authentic and meaningful and closer to their original intent.

* He illustrates that Christianity has largely become a religion of individuals and "us vs. them" thinking and searching for "the right way to do it". This has served to pit "believers" against "non-believers" rather than focusing on Jesus' ultimate goal - to bring the Kingdom of God into the world.

* He delves into the question of salvation and Jesus' role in it. He suggests that Jesus came to save the entire world (as opposed to individuals) by bringing his message of the Kingdom of God, the spirit of Christ within each of us, and our responsibility to shine the light of Christ out into the world in order to bring about the Kingdom of God. We have gotten all caught up in individual thinking as in "am I in (heaven) or out?" which has distracted and detracted from the original message. He suggests "[a]fter his death and rising, Jesus sends his Spirit to continue the process of teaching us, creating a community across generations and around the world that is learning to live life to the full" (p.106).

* He suggests that Son of God is a phrase that means the "ultimate embodiment of God" and that Son of Man (Jesus' own name for himself) means the "ultimate embodiment of humanity" (p.80).

* He discusses the dichotomy of very differing images of God: God A = "a single, solitary, dominant Power, Mind, or Will" and God B = "a unified, eternal, mysterious, relational community/family/society/entity of saving Love" (p.84-85).

* He asks "Would Jesus be a Christian?". Here is a direct quote: "The more I study the bible and reflect on the life and teachings of Jesus, the more I think most of Christianity as practiced today has very little to do with the real Jesus found there" (p.87).

* He says, "We retained Jesus as Savior but promoted the apostle Paul (or someone else) to Lord and Teacher" (p.94). And we decided the most important thing about Jesus was his death rather than his life.

These ideas are just from part I. In part II he begins looking at various aspects of what it means to be a Christian (and the language we use to describe it). There are so many more ideas from part I, not to mention part II, that I'll have to post more in a separate post. There are so many issues to think about and figure out where you are in the discussion. Love it, love it, love it!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I've been too busy this week to sit down at the computer and post here in my blog. Generally, I am doing well. My nightly meditation is going well (with the exception of this weekend when I stayed up too late watching TV and went straight to bed and skipped the meditation). I am enjoying the peaceful time. I basically begin by trying to clear my mind of all thoughts. I maintain the position of neither rejecting nor holding onto thoughts, but let them wax and wane as they naturally do. I have already encountered two subjects that are causing me some discomfort and I want to pray on them some more. Specifically I am troubled by guilt/shame and I am also finding myself more and more troubled by issues of feminism.

Big J and I have talked about how sometimes we recognize signs in our daily lives. Little things that happen and could be contrued as coincidences, but there is often a pattern which has meaning in our personal lives. For him, he was noticing many messages about the need to be more conscious of his cholesterol. Things kept popping up trying to get him to pay attention to his eating and exercise habits. For me, issues of feminism keep popping up. I just finished another book this morning (blog book review forthcoming) that has once again stoked the flames of feminism and my own identity. I feel like I waver between two sides of the issue and don't quite know where I fit in. I could go into this issue in its own post (or series of posts) later when I have more time.

Among the many things we've done this week, we have renewed our lapsed membership at the Y. This was primarily Big J's idea (on his anti-cholesterol kick) and Little J was a big supporter (he needs a workout venue now that wrestling season has ended). And I have to say it is something I need. My doctor told me several months ago that I would be wise to lose 20-30 lbs and my blogger/email friends Head Case and Yogamum have both been excellent examples of women who successfully got their bodies moving and have gotten in good shape. I should follow their examples. My plan is to start out by getting the old bones moving and blowing the dust off my rickety old joints. Then I may sign up for a yoga or pilates class. We'll see. Plus we'll have a free admission to a swimming pool this summer (well not free if you count our membership fee, but you know what I mean). The boys are excited about that part.

Ash Wednesday

Today, Ash Wednesday, is for me a day to commit myself to the process of introspection and reflection that is Lent. I am committing myself to daily meditation and prayer and focusing on the issues that have been standing in the way of my being in tune with God. Also, because my church attendance has been low for the last year or so, I am committing myself to attending church every Sunday during Lent (and hopefully thereafter).

I was reading up on Ash Wednesday today. While I don't feel compelled to appropriate certain liturgical elements such as the palm ashes in the shape of a cross worn on my forehead all day until after sunset, I do find a round-about meaning for me in the Ash Wednesday concept of repentance.

The word "repentance" is a tricky one because of the connotations of guilt and shame. Rather than saying I am repentant, instead I will acknowledge that I have some things I need and want to work on. One of the things I plan to work on this Lent season is my perfectionism. I need to give myself permission to just be who I am and to accept myself for that. Also, I have consistently lived in a state of "lacking" rather than "abundance" and, as a result, that is what has manifested in my life. I need to turn that around and focus on the abundance that I already have in my life. And finally, I need to start working on simplicity...paring down my life to focus on what is important while cutting down on the chatter.

This morning I read PeaceBang's blog and I loved what she said about Ash Wednesday in her post entitled Lenten Hiatus:

I'm off to church for a midday service to get smeared on the forehead and reminded that I'm mortal but that I get to spend my eternity with God.

It's okay to acknowledge that I am "only" human while I also rejoice that I will always be part of the divine.

"Remember...that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return."

My new altar

This is the altar I created yesterday. It's in the corner of my bedroom. It isn't exactly how I pictured it. I'd still like to add either a cross (the one with four equal-length sides) or praying hands would be good (thanks for the idea, Matt!). But one of my "issues" is the need for perfection, so I will say what I have is good enough for now. If I add to it, okay; if not, okay.

Anyway, I tried it out last night. I turned all the lights off except for one nearby table lamp. I lit the candle and the incense. I read from the Bible (I try to read daily using an online UCC webpage that has the Daily Lectionary). Then I closed my eyes for meditation. I tried playing some spiritual jazz music in the background, but found it distracting and turned it off. I did manage to meditate/pray for about 25 minutes. I only had one interruption when D came in to find out what that smell was. ;-)

I'm pretty excited about it, even though Little J says we're becoming more and more like hippies.

Creating an altar

Have any of my readers ever created an altar for prayer/meditation? If so, please comment and tell me how you went about it, what you used, what you use it for.

I am trying to build an altar in my bedroom. I want it in place before Wednesday (Ash Wednesday, don't you know) and because of being snowbound and having no funds, I am looking around my house for items I can use. I think that for now I am going to take a low shelf out of my sons' closet and use it. It previously served as home for their shoes, but it isn't really working as such these days, and I think it will be much more useful in my new prayer space.

I have invited Big J to share the space with me. I plan to bring symbolic items to represent Christianity and theism while concepts such as Humanism and perhaps Buddhism are more important to him. I will include a candle and maybe incense. We have a small buddha statue and a yin-yang button that I find very meaningful. I would like to get a table-top cross at some point. I will tuck a couple of pillows under the table and pull them out to sit on during prayer. If I can make a habit of this, I hope to someday reward myself with a real meditation stool similar to this one.

On Ash Wednesday, Lent begins and so does my plan for daily Centering Prayer. I will let you know how it goes.

The knot in my back

I have been suffering with a grapefruit-sized knot in my back just under my left shoulder blade. I have been using a heating pad, hot showers, some of those TermaCare wraps that have little metal things in them that warm up. I've gotten Big J to rub my shoulders a couple of times. While those things will make me feel better temporarily, nothing takes it away for good. It has been nearly two weeks now! It's miserable and distracting.

I haven't done anything overly physical lately to cause it. It could be that it is time for a new mattress, but I'm not convinced that's it either. Big J (a trained massage therapist) asked if I was stressed. I didn't really think so when he first asked me, but I've been thinking about it.

I do have a sense of unrest about my life that I suppose could be manifesting itself in the form of a knot in my back. My birthday, while it turned out to be good overall, was difficult for me emotionally. And my professional life (such as it is) has me at rope's end. I feel like I am really close to giving up on my job search. A year ago I was "the" sub. I was first or second on the list, was called and requested way in advance and always filled up my calendar...sometimes getting two or more requests for the same day. Fast forward to today and I am working one or two days a week. Plus, I know that there are subs being called on days when I am not even called at all. And I can't get an interview for a contract position no matter how hard I try. I have been at this for two and a half years and I don't feel my chances are any better now than they were then. I feel like a huge part of my problem is my age. I keep seeing these 22 year old sorority girl types coming right out of college and getting picked up for maternity leaves and even contract jobs. Meanwhile, I get nothing despite the fact that I'm good.

Anyway, I am unhappy a lot these days. I have a lack of balance in my life because I spend almost all of my time thinking about my job prospects. I need to put that on a back burner and honor other parts of my life for a while. Maybe it is true that a watched pot never boils. If I stop focusing so much on my career, maybe something will happen.

In the meantime, I am thinking this could/should be my focus for Lent. While I am excited about the comment below that Rev. Ron made about UUCF Easter resources and I plan to order them, I was also looking at something at Beliefnet that caught my eye. There was an interview with Father Thomas Keating about "Lent as Divine Therapy". I've read a book about Christian Meditation (a.k.a. Centering Prayer) which is a movement Keating is credited with founding. The interview (sorry I don't have the link anymore) describes Lent as a time for spiritual retreat for Christians. (This is exactly what I was talking about looking for.) Here's a quote from the interview that hits the nail on the head for me:

Lent is the time to expect temptation and [experience] afflictive emotions such as shame, humiliation, anger, greed, the time to look at how those instincts, which are developed in early childhood are frustrated -- or gratified. See there's a hazard in self-exaltation if we get what we want, or depression if we don't get what we want. To work on those [emotions] during Lent, I think, is more effective than fasting or rituals.

I need to work on the depression from not getting what I want (a job). I've been interested in Centering Prayer since I read about it. But I am not very disciplined and have only done it in fits and starts. Maybe I'll buy a Keating book (Open Mind, Open Heart maybe?) and use that as my focus for Lent 2007.