It was meant to be

On yesterday's post about our leaving the UU church, michiganme commented that the UU church helped me on my journey to find the spirituality that worked better for me. Actually, that is something I've thought a lot about.

My spiritual path has wandered all over the place and I feel like each step along the journey was meant for me to guide me in the direction I needed to go. When I look back at my life, there was a time when I never would have set foot in a Christian church of any kind. I had an animosity and distrust of organized religion, particularly Christianity. I wasn't ready.

Eventually things in my life led me to want to explore spirituality even though the idea of Christianity was still something I couldn't embrace. I was only ready to begin seeking and see what ideas where out there. That was the next necessary step.

My spiritual seeking led me (via the Belief-o-matic quiz at Beliefnet.com) to discover UUism. I began reading up on it and I checked online for UU churches near me. I was only ready to find a UU church as an environment to let me explore spirituality with other people. That was the next necessary step.

After discovering a UU church that I really liked and which fit my spiritual needs at the time, we became members. I had never belonged to a church of any kind before having grown up unchurched. I became involved socially with the community, volunteered in RE, and began exploring different religious beliefs. I was only ready to discover what it meant to be a part of a religious community. That was the next necessary step.

In my spiritual seeking, I kept finding myself drawn to liberal Christian authors, bloggers, etc. Discovering that there was a liberal way to be Christian was mind-blowing and life-altering for me. I felt that God was leading me in a specific direction. I was only ready to discover and accept that liberal Christianity spoke to me more than other faith traditions. That was the next necessary step.

At this point, I began to feel unsatisfied at church. I felt a longing for God and an obsession for this man Jesus who was suddenly, to me, different from the Jesus I always heard about growing up. I wanted more of God and Jesus in my life. But at the same time I felt tangibly the absence of God and Jesus from my church. This put me in conflict. This was a difficult stage for me because I loved my church family but I also felt it wasn't "doing it" for me. It took me a long time to realize that I was ready to consider other options and began looking at liberal Christian churches. That was the next necessary step.

I tried some UCC churches and a Methodist church. They were nice but I just didn't feel that they clicked. I had developed a list of liberal Christian authors/books that really spoke to me and, for a while, it felt like I would have to rely on my reading for my spiritual needs. Liberal churches in central Indiana are hard to come by. But one of my favorite authors was Philip Gulley. He's fairly prolific, having written or co-written several non-fiction books as well as a fictional series. I'd read almost everything he's written. His theology spoke to me in a way that seemed like a perfect fit. I feel like I was being led. I was curious when I discovered that his Quaker meeting was only 10 minutes from my house. I was ready to visit the meeting and see where it took me. That was the next necessary step.

And now we have been attending Philip Gulley's liberal Quaker meeting. It feels very right at this point. However, every step in my journey has been necessary. I never would have walked through the doors of the Fairfield Friends Meeting if I hadn't gone through all of the previous steps. I wasn't ready.

I don't know what the next necessary step is on my journey, but I know now that I am being led by God on my journey to be closer to him/her. I needed UUism to teach me that one can be religiously liberal and to provide an environment where I could explore religious ideas that would eventually lead me to a more liberal understanding of Christianity. I had to go through that door to arrive at where I am today.

Switching churches

We have decided to leave our UU church. It is a fairly painful thing and I think I am grieving the loss. Some of my friends think they know why we've chosen to leave, but they may be wrong. Actually, this decision was based on two different things.

The first and most obvious thing is the division that has developed in our church over the past 18 months or so. There was a very vocal and powerful group of people who became adamant about forcing the minister out. They would not back down and just last week they finally forced him to resign. From my perspective, I didn't really have a strong feeling about him one way or the other. He wasn't perfect, but he did have potential and he sincerely tried to make changes to please the malcontents. But they were unforgiving. What bothers me most about the entire situation was the lack of compassion and forgiveness exhibited by some of the congregation. Granted, this wasn't everyone (and I doubt if it was even a majority) but it was, like I said, a vocal and powerful group. Now being UU's, they don't necessarily follow the teachings of Jesus and this is where I personally run into some inner conflict. Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness as being the most important thing. Period. But these values weren't a high enough priority for this non-Christian congregation. Do I blame their not being Christian for the problem? Do I expect Christian churches to act differently? No. But at least in a Christian environment you can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" and people might at least consider it. Some of the mean and hateful actions that came out of this did not illustrate the compassion of Christ. And the way they turned their heads and ignored all efforts for improvement showed their disdain for forgiveness. Sigh. Frankly, I just don't feel like the values of this church are the same values that I hold dear. And the values I see are not ones I want to be a part of nor do I want my children to be a part of.

But that isn't the only reason. Concidentally (or not), I have also been feeling a spiritual need that has not been met by the UU church for quite some time. I've posted often on my blog about my spiritual yearning and how I feel unsatisfied at our church. I want and need to feel God and to worship how God is moving in my life on a Sunday morning. For the past couple of years I haven't felt that at a UU church. Even the mention of God often gets gasps or eyerolls (which, to be honest, may have been part of the problem with the minister, but no one admits that). Church often feels dry. I mean, I am very much a believer in environmental issues and social justice issues and I believe those things are exactly what we are called to do. However, I can attend a lecture on carbon emissions or the life of Martin Luther King Jr. at one of the local college campuses. On Sunday mornings I'd rather be moved and feel closer to God.

And so I don't feel compelled to stay at our church or even to seek out another UU church. I still feel very strongly that I support the 7 UU principles and in theory I will always be a UU. But in practice, I need more.

We are going slowly with the liberal Quaker meeting we've been attending each week. We aren't going to jump into membership quite as quickly as we did with the UU church. But so far we really like it. My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about both churches and our experiences in each. We are struck by the compassion and joy of the Quaker meeting. We have also been going enough that we've picked up on a division of sorts that has happened at the Quaker meeting as well. This one has to do with a disagreement about building an extension to the church. But there is a major difference. Both sides of the issue feel very strongly that the most important thing is the unity of the church and that nothing should be done to harm that, first and foremost. The church was first established in 1826 and they feel a strong duty to their ancestors to respect the history of the church and to preserve the future. And they speak so lovingly to each other. It's so refreshing.

So I am sad but hopeful.

Easter, new life, and church homes

I've been trying to think through my current spiritual state and make some sense of it. I feel like I'm at sea and being tossed all around and I'm trying to get my bearings and figure out which way I want to go. I haven't said much here because I, frankly, didn't know how to put into words what I'm thinking.

This year for Easter we attended the Quaker meeting that we've visited several times. We took the two youngest boys with us. Being Quaker, there wasn't a lot of pomp and circumstance like some denominations do. But that's okay. I feel very attracted to the idea of simplicity. That isn't to say that it was a small or insignificant service. We got there early (thankfully) and it was packed! They had to bring out folding chairs and set them up in the aisles because it was so crowded. And the message was lovely. They didn't try to say that they've got the answers of what happened. They merely pointed out that, no matter what your belief about what happened that day in the tomb outside of Jerusalem 2000 years ago, the affect that it has today on our lives/religions is obvious.

I especially liked the emphasis on the resurrection leading to new life. For the children's focus that Sunday, one of the meeting's members (who happens to be a farmer) brought in baby chicks and ducks to show the magic of new life coming from eggs - a symbol of Easter. And in the end there was focus on the idea that we can let Jesus be resurrected through us by bringing God's love into the world in the way that we live. What a terrific and spot-on message. I felt uplifted and didn't feel the weight of that whole "did it really happen" question that I often get at Easter. I also left the meeting that day feeling like it was the first day of the rest of my life. I feel like changes are coming and, instead of fearing them, I am excited about what my future holds.

I really love the services at the Quaker meeting. The formula seems to be (after announcements, joys and concerns, and focusing silence) reading of biblical scripture and then a narrative based on something contemporary and local that always ties in with the scripture and illustrates how we can interpret the bible in meaningful ways for our lives today and where we live. It is exactly what a service should be. It is definitely Christian, but I have not yet felt uncomfortable with its institutionalized Christianity. So far, this is the only Christian congregation I've attended where I can truly say that. It seems to be about the celebration of God's love for the world as exemplified by Jesus rather than worshipping the messenger and focusing on what happens after death, which seems to be what most Christian churches are all about.

I have even caught Big J reading the bible on more than one occasion! That is really quite amazing because he has some serious baggage from his fundamentalist upbringing. Until recently, he wouldn't even look at a bible. Now he is really interested. I think this Quaker meeting has shown him a more loving side of Christianity. He's discovered what he calls "red letter Christians" (as in those Christians who focus on the words of Jesus that are in red in the bible as their basis for Christianity). He has also been moved by people who are openly Christian and yet stand up for environmental priorities - something he doesn't recognize from his Christian childhood.

The more we visit this Quaker meeting, the less and less I feel drawn to our UU church. I'm still on the church membership list so I am receiving email messages that are being sent out detailing the painful process that is going on there now regarding what could end up being a divisive split in the church. There is just a lot of hateful meanness going on there and I just find myself repulsed by it. It makes me sad. Every week they say in the convenant that "Love is the spirit of this church," but at this point those seem to be empty words and the actions of the people in the congregation are actually the opposite of this supposed covenant. Sigh. So I feel I have one foot out the door where that is concerned. It is hard to be motivated to return when there is such a palpable feeling of joy and compassion at the Quaker meeting.

Oh, one last thing. Speaking of new life, don't forget to check out my new gardening blog at Dirt in my Fingernails. It's brand new and there isn't much there yet, but I have big plans for this summer.

Stations of the Cross and Paul

Lest you think I'm combining these two topics, I included both the Stations of the Cross and Paul in my title today because I want to address both of these separate and distinct topics.

This morning I went along as co-teacher on a field trip with our 5th/6th grade RE class to an outdoor retreat center at a Catholic church so that we could walk the Stations of the Cross. (FYI, the Stations of the Cross is a 14-stop walk that symbolizes the walk that Jesus made through Jerusalem on Good Friday on his way to his execution.) We took 8 of our young people and 6 adults. Of course, we framed it all in our UU perspective, but I have to say it is one of the few experiences that I've had at the UU church which really struck me to the core. Most of what I do at the UU church feels so spiritually dry and empty that this was an amazing and blessed departure. I love having Jesus as part of my church experience, which at the UU church is rare. After all, it *is* Palm Sunday.

Then this afternoon was the monthly meeting of my UU Christian Circle. Our discussion topic for the day was Paul. I have to say that I haven't been a fan a Paul. I have attributed much of what I feel is wrong with the modern Christian church to Paul. Our discussion today (based on the Living the Questions curriculum developed by the United Methodist Church) has caused me to rethink Paul and makes me want to go back and reread the Pauline parts of the New Testament. What I learned was two earth-shattering and important things.

First, of the 13 letters often attributed to Paul, scholars only think 7 were actually written by Paul himself. The other 6 are believed to have been written later by followers of Paul who adapted his message to soften Paul's message of radical grace. So it is possible that the misogynist and homophobic statements attributed to Paul may actually have come from his followers who were trying to make Paul's teachings fit in a patriarchal, conservative society.

The second thing I learned was about the mistranslation of the word Pistis from the original text. This word was translated originally as "faith in" as in having "faith in Jesus" being the key to salvation. But in reality the closer translation would have been "faithfulness of". So the key to salvation was in believing in the "faithfulness of Jesus". If the scriptures had been translated that way all along, the emphasis would have been in following the teachings of Jesus rather than worshiping and deifying the man. Christianity and the western world would have been a totally different thing if not for that one mistranslation.

I must reread the New Testament...

Leaving a church?

I haven't made a final move yet, but I am very close to quitting our UU church. We have decided not to renew our pledge of membership this year. We will change our status to "friends". Big J wants to feel free to go back occasionally if they should have any good sermon topics come along. I kind of feel a sadness when I think of leaving. But frankly, I hardly recognize the place anymore.

I won't get into the issues publicly, but there is a disagreement at our church that stands to tear the very fiber of the congregation into two. There is a very vocal bunch who just won't let this issue die. Their need to be "right" and "win" is so great that they are willing to watch the congregation implode as a result. As far as the disagreement goes, I don't really have an opinion one way or other about that. I do, however, have an opinion about a congregation which appears, these days, to be ruled by a group of people who are hell-bent (and I use that phrase purposely) on getting their way no matter what damage is done.

I think about the covenant that we say each week. I'm sure it is like most UU churches' covenants:
"Love is the Spirit of this church
Service is its law
To dwell together in peace
To seek the truth in love
And to help one another
This is our covenant."

Some of these people seem only to recognize the "Service is its law" piece of the covenant. They definitely don't consider Love to be the Spirit of the church, nor do they believe we should dwell together in peace, seek the truth in *love*, or help one another. They've become hateful and mean-spirited and are letting that control what is happening. These are not my values. The spiritual values that I think are most important to me are compassion and forgiveness and these people seem to be lacking in both. It is not a pleasant environment there anymore.

It makes me sad, but I see no solution on the horizon.

Today we visited the Quakers again for meeting. The compassion and joy I saw there is what I'm looking for.

Lent - Breaking the Bonds

I meant to make an Ash Wednesday post yesterday, but my schedule being what it is, I wasn't able to get online long enough. Since I accepted Christianity, I've loved the seasons of Lent and Advent because of the opportunity for spiritual focus. I'm not a Catholic and don't do things "by the book", but like all matters Christian, I'm finding there is much to be gained by taking a closer look at traditions.

In my pre-Christian days, with chip firmly placed on shoulder, I adamantly opposed the idea that I should be forced to give something up. I rolled my eyes at the idea that God would like me better if I gave up chocolate for six weeks. But now that I'm looking at things differently, I realize that rather than a burden, Lent is an opportunity. Twice a year (Advent being the second such time) I can focus with more intention on my spirituality and grow closer to God.

I just read a Lenten sermon from 2006 written by UU Minister, Rev. Amy B. Freedman, about voluntarily giving something up for Lent. You can read it yourself at Lent: Voluntary Surrender. I had already decided to give up coffee for Lent this year, and this sermon just confirms what I already felt. For a while now, coffee has had an unhealthy hold on my life. I have been held captive by the need for coffee. In recent months I had gotten to the point where I'd have 4-6 cups per day. Some might think that my desire to kick the coffee habit is health related. I admit that I know that much caffeine is not good for me. But the real reason I want to break the coffee bond is the psychological hold it has on me. I don't want to *need* any substance that much anymore. I want to develop more discipline and control over my life. I think of this as a spiritual battle. I am also being more intentional about daily prayer.

On Fat Tuesday I made myself a nice big mug of steaming coffee with cream and savored every sip. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I made myself a cup of tea. I'm not a fan of tea. It's only okay in my book. It is to help me get over the initial hurdle and then I won't drink it. Tea will not be hard to give up.

So far (after almost 2 days) I have not missed my coffee much. The only times I have thought about having coffee, it was an emotional thing and not a physical one. I miss the comfort of a cup of coffee after coming in from the cold or early in the morning while still in my jammies. This emotional reaction just confirms my belief that coffee had too much control in my life.

My son laughed and said he didn't believe I'd make it all the way to Easter without coffee. I will. Just you wait and see.

Metaphorical thinking

My UU Christian Circle is using a progressive Christian curriculum called Living the Questions to guide our discussions each month. It is a set of DVD's with several people of note (including John Shelby Spong and Marcus Borg to name just two) who have much to say about finding a place in Christianity for those of us who question dogma and doctrine but long for the message.

Yesterday we had a discussion about thinking literally/critically (the need to determine the factual historical accuracy of a story) versus finding the truth of the story thru metaphor. It seems that all of the women in our group have moved beyond the need to "prove it" and into the acceptance of the truth of the metaphors. It is like passing through a set of large doors that opens you up to a whole new spirituality.

There was a time in my life that I was very much into the critical stage of thinking and, as a result, I totally rejected Christianity. There cannot be a man in the sky watching us, virgin births are impossible, people don't rise from the dead, etc. It wasn't until I was 36 years old that I was able to see past all that and realize that those stories and ideas do hold truth in the metaphoric sense. As soon as I realized that, I wanted to go back and reread the bible and see all of those stories through a new lens. Once I did that it really was as if I was "born again".

I am often frustrated that my two older sons have trouble with my new relationship with God and Christianity. But then after our UU Christian Circle discussion yesterday, I realized that they are both still stuck in the literal stage of looking at things. They don't think a person can walk on water so Mom must be crazy to buy into all of that. To them, there is no other way of seeing things. I need to be patient, expose them to different ways of understanding the story, and let God do his/her work with them.

The Faith Club

I just finished the most amazing book. The book, The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew - Three Women Search for Understanding by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver, and Priscilla Warner, is a collaborative non-fiction book that these three women wrote about their experience forming an interfaith discussion group. I have to say it is one of the best books I've read recently and I was brought to tears more than once while reading it. It reminded me a lot of my own UU Christian Circle group. Anyone on a spiritual journey (and aren't we all, really?) would do well to read it. I picked mine up at the local public library. They also have a website that you can check out which includes information about how to start your own Faith Club. Their website is www.thefaithclub.com.

Love it!

Approaching Advent

Advent is a religious season that is not even practiced by all Christians let alone your average UU. However, as my faith has evolved, I have found the liturgy of intentional practice during both Advent and Lent to be very fulfilling. This will be the third year that I've practiced Advent in my home and each year I "tweak" the process. Our Advent observation is very UU in orientation. I have gathered various reflections and readings from sources on the internet and have compiled them into something that works for our family.

December 2, 2007 is the first Sunday of Advent this year. In preparation for Advent, I make an advent wreath to place as a centerpiece in our family's dining table. I use a regular wreath I've bought at a Christmas supply shop (fake so I can reuse it each year although a real one would work as well). Inside the wreath I place four taper candle holders (one for each Sunday of Advent). In the center of the wreath I place a white pillar candle to be lit only on Dec. 24. On each Sunday of Advent, after dinner I will have some sort of dessert during which we will have our Advent focus. On the first Sunday, we will light one candle, recite some lines together, and then I will share the focus of the day. Then we will have a reflection for that day.

I really feel that since we have begun observing Advent as a family, the holiday season has become less about consumerism and "give me, give me" and more about the thoughtful and joyful celebration that we get through our faith and a reminder to reach out and be God's hands in the world.

Knowing God *is* the reward

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a talk (lecture seems like too formal a word) by co-authors Philip Gulley and James Mulholland at my church. Together they have authored If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person and If God Is Love: Rediscovering Grace in an Ungracious World. I'd read both of these books some time ago and consider them among the few transformative spiritual books that I have read on my journey. They helped me to define who I am and what I believe.

I was almost ecstatic when I learned that Gulley and Mulholland would be speaking at my church. While their books are gaining attention nationally, they are actually located not far from where I live. This is their home territory. They are just as entertaining in person as they are in their books.

Many things were said. Much of what they said was material from their books that I'd already become familiar with. I sat there nodding my head a lot. One thing they said which really put the whole thing in crystal clear terms for me was talking about our relationship with God.

Some believe our relationship with God is all about fear. We should fear a wrathful God and go about our lives trying to avoid his punishment. Others believe our relationship is about reward. We should jump through this hoop or that hoop in order to appease God and thus, gain his "eternal" reward. But what Mulholland suggested was that just knowing God *is* the reward. We participate in religion and spirituality not to appease an angry God or to manipulate God into giving us something, but we participate out of love for God and the joy that we are able to know God.

Another meaningful thing that was said was about their opinions of a possible afterlife. They pointed out that all discussion about an afterlife is speculation because no one can know until they die. But our opinions about an afterlife greatly impact how we treat other people in this life. It is for that reason that we should think about what we believe and why and how that motivates us to live in this life.

Very cool discussion.

"God works in mysterious ways"

I remember hearing people say, "God works in mysterious ways," and not really getting it. I have now come to the conclusion that God works in a way that isn't at all mysterious. I believe we (human beings) are the hands of God and through us he moves and creates and sustains the world.

As you've probably noticed, I haven't been around the blog world much lately. Uumomma even emailed me recently to check in on me because I'd been feeling low when last I was posting a lot. I'm popping in tonight to let everyone know that my absence from the blogosphere isn't really due to an emotional low (thank God), but rather the hectic life that this time of year usually brings. As the kids get older it gets even more busy.

In the past six weeks I have:
1. subbed almost daily in one particular elementary school
2. led five Cub Scout meetings including a hike to earn Forester badges
3. dropped off and picked up from band practice kid #1 sixteen times
4. chaperoned 5 day-long high school marching band contest trips
5. taken kid #2 to 5 soccer practices
6. taken kid #3 to the public library 4 times
7. attended 6 Saturday morning soccer games
8. attended church 6 times (one of those times teaching RE)
9. attended one UU Christian Circle meeting
10. attended two band parents' association meetings
11. attended one Boy Scout Court of Honor/pitch-in picnic
12. delivered kid #1 to two separate weekend parties

Basically, I have been going 7 days a week for at least 4 weeks and the couple of weeks prior to that was almost that busy. On top of that, we have computer wars at my house. I have kid #3 wanting to play Reader Rabbit or Sesame Street games, kid #2 wanting to play Jedi Academy or look up Pokemon info online, kid #1 wanting to chat with his friends on myspace or facebook, and husband wanting to catch up on blogs, email, or myspace. My computer time is so limited, blogging has become a luxury. But soccer and marching season are ending soon, so hopefully I'll be back again soon.

Keeping busy has been a blessing. It has done two things: 1. It keeps me from dwelling on our financial problems and my difficulty finding a job. 2. It reminds me what is really important in life. One warm Saturday afternoon as I sat on the sidelines watching my son belt out part of the marching band show at the climax of the music, I was moved to tears. Those are the moments I live for. No creditor or possible employer can ever take away from me the joy I felt at watching my son perform. What food we did or didn't have at home didn't matter one bit in that moment.

An interesting thing has happened over the last month or so. We have been sustained. As I said at the beginning of this post, I believe God moves on this earth through the hands of the people around us. At a time when I often wondered where our next meal would come from or how we would have enough gas to get to work until payday, little things started happening. Friends and family would do small "coincidental" things that helped to sustain us and get us through. For example, one day at work, a coworker of Big J's asked him if we'd be interested in some meat for some Philly Beef Steak sandwiches. Apparently he and his girlfriend had gotten some and didn't care for it so offered it to us as a gift. Unsolicited by us. They had no idea that we'd been trying to figure out what to have for dinner. Several other similar things happened around that same time when we were at rock bottom. I really believe that God sustained us.

We are not out of the woods. Things are still tight, but we are recovering. And I have more good news. Last week, the principal came up to me and offered me a 10-week maternity leave. It isn't a full-time job, but it is a stepping stone. Not having a maternity leave has been an obstacle in my way preventing me from getting an interview in the past. So I am turning a corner.

My faith has been strengthened by this hardship. And every day I thank God.

Starting a new church year

Even though it meant cutting into what little cash we had on hand to buy gas for the van, we made our way to church yesterday. We are wanting to start this year off right. It was a very uplifting day and I'm glad we went.

The topic of the service was "Who Wrote the Bible?", a fairly overt Christian service for our congregation. I was very interested, but expected an academic snore-fest, frankly. But I'll take any little nugget I can get and I'm trying to get in the habit of giving the benefit of doubt rather than jumping to judgment. Big J, the religious humanist with Native American spiritualism tendencies, was not looking forward to the service but went along as a commitment to start going to church more often. He did mention some moments of discomfort related to the baggage he brings from a conservative Christian upbringing. I imagine his discomfort was milder than that of some in our congregation.

In our congregation it is our custom to keep everyone together through the opening hymn, lighting the chalice, reciting the covenant, welcome and announcements and then a Children's Focus story. After that, the children are released to go to their RE classes. Yesterday's Children's Focus was the Old Testament story about Daniel in the lion's den. I personally thought it was great to hear a bible story in church and see that its message (as interpreted by our Worship Associate) was totally in line with our UU values: if you believe something in your heart, you have the right and should stand up for that belief and not let others forbid you from it.

The main service itself was interesting. It was not as academic and boring as I feared (except for one reading with lots of convoluted big words because we're "so smart"). It wasn't terribly informative for me because I've studied the bible so much on my own already. I was already aware of the theories of multiple authorship of the Old Testament and the J, E, P, and D versions. But it was absolutely fantastic to hear our minister say that the bible has stood the test of time because it has something meaningful and worthwhile to say and that it was never intended to be read literally but rather metaphorically. I sat there nodding my head throughout the service. And the postlude after the service was a wonderful piano arrangement of Amazing Grace. These things are such a rarity in our church that I was brought to tears just sitting there basking in it all.

Coffee hour afterward is also good for the soul. I had a friend come up to me and whisper that she is thinking about starting up a monthly prayer group to meet once a month before the service and she wondered if I'd be interested. Hallelujah! While the number of UU Christians at our church is small, there are lots of people who are "spiritual" and believe in some sort of God. Lots of spiritual talk is left out of the services (with yesterday being a notable exception) because of a very vocal athiest minority. (My friend says that only 19% of the congregation self-identified as Humanist - a fact I found very surprising.) Anyway, those of us with a more spiritual hunger are going to have to join together to find ways to fill our own needs. I am so excited to find others who, while maybe not theologically the same as me, are interested in bringing more spirituality into their lives.

I was happy and basking in the afterglow of the morning on the way home. I asked the boys about their RE classes. D is in the kindergarten class and they are doing the "Stories about God" curriculum this year. He was telling me that they talked about how, "God is everywhere: in the volcanoes, in rainbows, in the oceans, and oh, in people." :-) E is in the 5th/6th grade class and they are studying Jesus and the "Kingdom of Equals" (a.k.a. New Testament) this year. He said they discussed what Jesus might have looked like and how different cultures have portrayed him over history. They also watched a scene from a movie called The Nativity. His only comment was that afterward, one boy suggested they watch Monte Python's Life of Brian. ;-) The class (which happened to be all boys this week) loved the idea and they were all familiar with the Monte Python movies. Gotta love UU kids.

Ministry of friendship

I've been trying to figure out what exactly it is about friendship that can lift us up out of the dark and murky low times of our lives. It seems magical because it isn't, I think, intentional or deliberate in any way. It can just appear out of nowhere just when we need it. Or maybe it is a holy gift...

As you know, I've been going through a dark spell lately. It feels like I imagine quicksand would be because it is so difficult to climb out of. But the one thing that has helped me the most is friendship.

I'm a band mom who chaperones marching band trips every Saturday. (BTW, our band took first place last week!) Anyway, I am making new friends with other band moms and they have welcomed me into their group. We went through all the motions of getting to know each other better including chatting, laughing, commisserating, etc. And the warmth I felt from their welcome lifted my heart and almost made me forget about the other parts of my life.

And then Sunday afternoon I met with my UU Christian Circle. I was so down and worried about spending the gas money that I almost didn't go. But my friends talked me into it. It ended up being another blessing. I was hosting a talk on the various versions of the Lord's Prayer and I had to admit that my heart just wasn't into it. That academic discussion just wasn't fulfilling me. But then we spent a lot of time talking about everyone's lives. Two of us in particular are going through a rough spell. Everyone rallied around us and buoyed us up so that we could go out into the world and face our lives again. Just knowing that those people care about me and support me no matter what I'm going through is worth more than anything else someone could offer me right now. Okay, a job would be nice. But I wouldn't trade my friendships even for a job.

Thank you, God, for bringing these special people into my life.

Saving Grace with Holly Hunter

Okay, back in July I mentioned in a blog post that there was a new show coming out with a spiritual angle and I was curious about it. It's called Saving Grace and it airs on TNT on Monday nights at 10pm (9 Central). I've been really busy and haven't had time to post about it until now. That's probably a good thing because I'll admit I've had to work my way into liking it.

I've checked out a couple of other online reviews about the show. Here's one at MovieWeb and another at SFGate.com. If you read these, you'll get an idea of what the show is about.

I have to say that my first reaction to the first episode was lukewarm. The very first scene of the first episode (and several of the later episodes) was a fairly graphic sex scene. Yes, it gets your attention right off the bat. I was a little thrown, however, and had to hit pause and shoo my kids out of the room. So now I am frustrated by the fact that I can only watch my recorded episodes when the kids aren't around - a rare occurrence and inconvenient truth in my household. To me it seemed like gratuitous sex for ratings' sake, but not being one who is turned away easily, I stayed with it. I have now watched 5 or 6 episodes and the show is growing on me.

I am generally not a fan of the late-evening one-hour drama. First of all, I prefer comedies in general. Secondly, by 10pm or so I get too tired to commit to an entire hour. Thankfully I have DVR, but then I have to find time to watch the recorded episode. I think because I am not used to watching shows like The Closer (which is the lead-in show for Grace and is cited by reviewers as a comparison), I was probably a harder sell than other fans may be. But I'm a sucker for anything spiritual so they already had a nibble on the line. They only needed to reel me in.

And they have. Grace is a very troubled soul. Dealing with the death of her sister in the Oklahoma City bombing and her resulting guilt (she feels responsible for the fact that her sister was in the building that day), she is acting out in all the wrong ways - covering her pain in alcohol, distancing herself from real relationships while sleeping with a different man (including her married partner) most nights, lying, etc. Her "last chance" angel, Earl, is there to help her turn her life around. He has his work cut out for him because she just isn't buying it. She is a skeptic, to say the least. But Earl isn't giving up on her. And the more I watch, the less I want to give up on her. She's a likeable character and you find yourself wanting her to change - not for God (which is what she thinks) but for herself. If she can only finally see "the light" and turn her life around, I think the character would find real peace.

Of course that won't happen anytime soon because without her troubled existence there wouldn't be a show. But I really hope that the writers lead us there gradually. We won't be seeing any "road to Damascus" changes of heart overnight. But maybe Grace will find faith after all.

It all starts now

This morning as I sat in the warm and humid sun of the soccer field, I was overcome by a feeling that "it all starts now". Everything. From now on. It starts now, in this minute.

I know, I know. Duh. On the surface this seems like an obvious thing to say. But is it really. How often do we go through life basing today and our thoughts for tomorrow on what has come before? It's an easy trap to fall into and I'd bet most people do it. We expect today and tomorrow to be like yesterday. In thinking those things we limit ourselves. We're limiting our future based on our memories or even perceptions of the past.

Two things came together this morning at about the same time that moved me to this awareness. First, my 11yo son played his soccer game. Now he has played soccer since he was 5. He has never been what you would call assertive athletically. For the first several years when he'd play, he'd jog around the rest of the players from a safe distance without ever really risking coming in contact with the ball himself. :-) Gradually he got to the point where he'd kick the ball if it happened to come to him and there wasn't another player bearing down on him. Today in his second game of this season I saw a different child. He was running with the ball, passing it to other players, and if someone tried to steal it from him, he held his ground and kept control of the ball. He has improved so much from the 5yo who wouldn't kick the ball. My husband pointed out that that is because now he believes in himself. He believes he can do it and so he does. He's let go of the memories of the boy who was afraid to kick the ball and opened himself up to the possibility of being someone who can defend the ball and control it. I don't care if he ever scores or if he makes the high school team or anything like that. But overcoming self-doubt is huge and is more than worth the entry fee we pay each year for him to play.

I also felt freed from limiting thoughts as I sat on the sidelines and watched him running up and down the field. I had just come from the post office where I mailed off four packets of application materials in my continuing job search. I had been closer than ever to giving up. Over the last couple of weeks I had almost decided I wasn't going to put myself through the repeated rejection and disappointment of not getting yet another job.

But something strange happened this week. On Thursday I shared with a teacher friend my hopelessness and difficulty in finding a job. She was able to show me a new website that I hadn't been aware of. On that website we found that the next school district over from ours had just advertised four elementary teaching positions the day before. Now, if you aren't in the elementary education world in the American midwest, you may not realize how unusual this is. Open positions are next to impossible to find, let alone *four* positions just down the road just posted the day before I connected with this friend and over a week *after* school already started. So I spent my Friday evening getting all of my application materials ready for each of the four positions and this morning I mailed them off.

I feel really good about this effort. Something just feels different this time. And as I sat on the soccer field this morning, I realized I had been limiting myself by self-doubt based on past failures.

But it all starts now. This is a new effort put out into the world. Something totally new could come from this. I'm going to stop thinking about what has already happened (or not happened as the case may be) and open myself up to future possibilities.

So I went to church...

I decided to go to my UU church after all. The main reason I went was that my UU Christian Circle was meeting in the afternoon at the home of a friend who lives near the church.

The service was okay. It was about our minister's trip earlier in the summer to Turkey as part of an interfaith alliance formed to build bridges and foster peace. It was kind of interesting to hear about that. The best part of the service, for me, was the choice of hymns. We sang some of my favorites: Enter, Rejoice and Come In, Come, Come, Whoever You Are, and This is My Song (the last of these, I think is also called Finlandia, and is a song about how people in other countries are people just like we are and have hopes and dreams and joys just as we do). It makes me tear up every time we sing it.

Music seems to be a key for me. One of the most moving moments of the day was when I was driving on my way to church and listening to my Celtic Woman CD. Now, these women are not what I'd consider a religious group at all, although I've noticed several of their songs seem to have a spiritual message. One of my favorite songs is called The Prayer. Here are the lyrics:

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

I pray we'll find your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
Remind us where you are

Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

We ask that life be kind
And watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Needs to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

Need to find a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

I love that song and have to sing along each time it comes on. Yesterday the one that moved me to tears was Mo Ghile Mear. A lot of the lyrics are in celtic so I don't understand them. The rest of the song seems to be a love song, but as I listened to the words I thought of singing them to God and was moved. Here are some of the words:

Can you feel the river run?
Waves are dancing to the sun
Take the tide and face the sea
And find a way to follow me

Leave the field and leave the fire
And find the flame of your desire
Set your heart on this far shore
And sing your dream to me once more

(and then later)

Now the time has come to leave
Keep the flame and still believe
Know that love will shine through darkness
One bright star to light the wave

(and finally)

Lift your voice and raise the sail
Know that love will never fail
Know that I will sing to you
Each night as I dream of you

I think you have to hear the musical accompaniment to really get it, but it was very emotionally moving. I arrived at church and had to fix my make up in the van's mirror before going in because my tears had messed it all up.

(Today is our last full day of summer as I have a teacher meeting tomorrow and then school starts on Wednesday. I'm taking the boys to the pool for one last time. Sometime, hopefully later today, I'll post about our UU Christian Circle meeting.)

To go to church or not to go to church, that is the question

I've been debating all evening whether to go to church tomorrow. And if I do go, where do I go? I'm really feeling a pull to go. I need me some spirituality right now. But the scheduled topic for the service at my UU church isn't warming my cockles (yawn).

I considered going to the local United Methodist church. I've gone there a couple of times, it is the most liberal church only 10 minutes away (which, granted, isn't saying much), and I know lots of people who go there. It wouldn't be awful.

Or I could drive way up to that UCC church I attended a couple of years ago. I really liked it there. If only it wasn't a 40 minute drive away to a place where I don't know anyone...

So maybe I'll go to my UU church. At least I know lots of people there. Our Christian Circle is meeting at 1:30 at someone's house just 10 minutes away from the church. I could take a lunch and eat in the church's Peace Garden.

We have decided we will *really* make an effort to go to church starting with this year's Water Ceremony. I need to be drawn back into the fold. I only wish it wasn't so hard to convince myself to go.

How was your summer?

I can't believe it is here already - the last weekend of summer. We start back to school next week. Today I have to take Little J by the high school to pick up his new schedule for this year. Then I have to take all the boys to Target to shop for school supplies. This year all 3 boys will be in school as D is starting kindergarten. Woo hoo!

Earlier this week I took D to a kindergarten orientation program at his school and while there I ran into several teachers who are setting up their classrooms and preparing the first couple of weeks of lessons. Everyone asks the standard question: How was your summer? The standard answer: Too short.

I was thinking about the longer, more truthful answer to that question. How was my summer?

Well, the first part was miserable. After about two weeks of vacation I was climbing the walls. I was stuck here in the house most days and because I don't work in the summer, money was tighter than tight. I did manage to take the boys to the pool a few times and we did some little things, but it was very much a dry spell. I stopped going to church because most of the services were lay-led which (sorry to be honest) usually don't do much for me and I often feel that it isn't worth the gas money to drive 35 minutes to church and 35 minutes home again. And my UU Christian Circle was not able to meet this summer. I felt so isolated that I really could have used a couple of meetings to connect with people. I felt like I spent the first 6 weeks or so of summer standing at the door with a broom in my hand beating back the demon of "depression" who refused to leave my house.

Then by mid-July things took a turn. I became incredibly busy. Even though we really didn't have the money (a recipe for stress, by the way) we went on our vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, Pigeon Forge, TN, and Gatlinburg, TN. We were there for 5 days and even though we didn't have much money to spend, we had a great time. We spend so much time going through the everyday rat race of work and school routines that we sometimes lose sight of simply living our lives. Taking a vacation - even a cheap, small-scale one - reminds us of the things that are really important.

Well, we came home from vacation in time for my brother's housewarming party. He and his wife just moved into a new-to-them house with their two kids so they invited all their friends and family to celebrate. It was a great time, a great house, and a rare opportunity to connect with other people.

Between vacation and the housewarming party, there was barely enough time to get the laundry all caught up before band camp week. Little J had band camp all day every day at the high school. I also had band camp as one of the "band moms" in charge of feeding the kids. I did it as a volunteer and got absolutely nothing monetarily out of it, but I did it to be more involved. I have to say it was, maybe, the best time I had all summer. It became less about the band and the kids and more about me having fun playing and making friends with other moms and dads. Most of the time we were there, the band was either outside practicing or somewhere else in the high school practicing music. I spent most of my time with the other parents either preparing the food or decorating. At the end of the week we even had an ice fight where we chased each other around with ice. We acted silly and laughed, we got excited about the decorations and music. We wore silly pirate costumes one day and bikini t-shirts another. We had fun. I was actually sad to see the week end even though it was totally exhausting. There is always next year.

Then as soon as band camp week was over, we had our annual local town fair complete with parade (in which the band marched) and a 3-day carnival at the town park. I volunteered to work in one of the tents sponsored by the band parents' association. This time I got credit for my work that will help defray the cost of Little J's band fees. But I also had a lot of fun. In addition to hanging out with the band parents again, I was in a location where I saw all kinds of people I know as they walked past our tent.

As the fair came to a close, I was left with exactly a week before school starts. Time to stock up on pencils and notebooks and practice going to bed earlier again. My job search has once again reared its head and it looks like I will be subbing again this year as I was not lucky enough to nab a real position yet. But I am trying not to let it get me down and to stay positive for the future.

So how was my summer? It was a summer of extremes. The first part of the summer was terribly isolating and lonely. The second part of the summer was frantically busy, but full of connections that fed my soul. I can learn from this and remember it next summer when I'm faced with 2 1/2 months of isolation. In May when school ends, I need a couple of weeks to relax and unwind. But by mid-June I need to find ways to get out there and be with people. Late summer is easy because there is always the band and fair stuff. I have to figure out something to occupy my time from mid-June to mid-July. I'll take this memory with me into the new year.

And I'll still tell people my standard answer: "Summer was too short."

Spirituality in Pop Culture

Well, you know I am a fan of pop culture. I've resisted talking about TV lately. But there is a new show coming out that has caught my eye and I feel it is relevant to my blog.

I was a big fan of the short-lived CBS series Joan of Arcadia which was about a teenage girl who started seeing God in various places and receiving his/her guidance. It was very "TV" and not at all theologically sound (it is for entertainment, after all), but I really enjoyed exploring the idea of God visiting and interacting with people in a contemporary setting. (What a version of "God still speaking"!) Anyway, it was slotted for Friday nights and so doomed to only two seasons. I was sad to see it go.

However, TNT is introducing a new show that sounds somewhat similar and I am anxious to see what they do with it. The show is called Saving Grace and stars Holly Hunter (already a plus) as a detective in what appears to be a crime investigation series. However, Holly's character (aptly named Grace) is visited by an angel named Earl which leads Grace to a "spiritual awakening". Keeping in mind, this is entertainment and not academia, I am really excited about this. I mean, how often does the topic of God and religion come up in prime-time TV?

The pilot episode airs at 10pm ET on Monday July 23 on TNT. Check your local listings.

Updating my links section

I've been cleaning up the links section of my page. I realized that the UU Christian link and the UUCF link are now one and the same. I also discovered that the Progressive Christian Blogger Network is now, sadly, defunct. Finally, although I have visited a couple of UCC churches in my journey, I don't really identify with them so I have removed a link to their main page (for now anyway).

I have added a couple of new ones that I have only briefly explored. They look like promising resources that I (and perhaps some of my readers) may be interested in...that is, unless you've discovered them before me. Anyway, they are the Liberal Christianity Network and the Center for Progressive Christianity.

I may add more in the future. For now I think this gives me some reading material as I continue to struggle with who I am and what I believe.

Happy surfing!