Serendipitous library moment

Yesterday I took the boys to the public library. Now that we're on summer vacation, Tuesdays are library days. Anyway, while they were playing a game on one of the computers (an odd attraction for them since we have a computer at home), I was browsing through the picture books looking for books to read to my 6yo.

The title of one caught my eye: Snow on Snow on Snow. "That's odd," I thought. "That sounds like the lyrics to In the Bleak Midwinter." I pulled the book off the shelf and, sure enough, there was reference to the song inside the cover of the book about winter. I put the book back on the shelf since I'm looking for seasonal things and, frankly right now the highs outside are around 90 F. I'll make a mental note about this book for next winter.

Even after we left the library, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was a weird coincidence. In the Bleak Midwinter is a song I'd never heard before attending a UU church. And then, while at the UU church, it became a regular hymn sung around Christmas time. Forever in my mind it will be inseparable from the concept of UUism. It has also become my favorite Christmas-time hymn.

In the afternoon, my 6yo son and I were looking through my scrapbooking supplies. Scrapbooking is a hobby that I love to do, but never have the time for it during the school year. With summer here, I am taking stock and getting ready to start designing some pages again. While flipping through the scrapbook, I came upon a two-page layout that I'd made of the Halloween party we'd had at the UU church a few years ago. It was a happier time for us at the church and seeing the layout made me sad. I want that church to be like it used to be instead of what it has become.

The random occurrence at the library and looking at the scrapbook just generated ways for me to deal with my grief over losing a church home. There are things I really will miss there no matter how much I like our new home at the Friends meeting.

It was meant to be

On yesterday's post about our leaving the UU church, michiganme commented that the UU church helped me on my journey to find the spirituality that worked better for me. Actually, that is something I've thought a lot about.

My spiritual path has wandered all over the place and I feel like each step along the journey was meant for me to guide me in the direction I needed to go. When I look back at my life, there was a time when I never would have set foot in a Christian church of any kind. I had an animosity and distrust of organized religion, particularly Christianity. I wasn't ready.

Eventually things in my life led me to want to explore spirituality even though the idea of Christianity was still something I couldn't embrace. I was only ready to begin seeking and see what ideas where out there. That was the next necessary step.

My spiritual seeking led me (via the Belief-o-matic quiz at Beliefnet.com) to discover UUism. I began reading up on it and I checked online for UU churches near me. I was only ready to find a UU church as an environment to let me explore spirituality with other people. That was the next necessary step.

After discovering a UU church that I really liked and which fit my spiritual needs at the time, we became members. I had never belonged to a church of any kind before having grown up unchurched. I became involved socially with the community, volunteered in RE, and began exploring different religious beliefs. I was only ready to discover what it meant to be a part of a religious community. That was the next necessary step.

In my spiritual seeking, I kept finding myself drawn to liberal Christian authors, bloggers, etc. Discovering that there was a liberal way to be Christian was mind-blowing and life-altering for me. I felt that God was leading me in a specific direction. I was only ready to discover and accept that liberal Christianity spoke to me more than other faith traditions. That was the next necessary step.

At this point, I began to feel unsatisfied at church. I felt a longing for God and an obsession for this man Jesus who was suddenly, to me, different from the Jesus I always heard about growing up. I wanted more of God and Jesus in my life. But at the same time I felt tangibly the absence of God and Jesus from my church. This put me in conflict. This was a difficult stage for me because I loved my church family but I also felt it wasn't "doing it" for me. It took me a long time to realize that I was ready to consider other options and began looking at liberal Christian churches. That was the next necessary step.

I tried some UCC churches and a Methodist church. They were nice but I just didn't feel that they clicked. I had developed a list of liberal Christian authors/books that really spoke to me and, for a while, it felt like I would have to rely on my reading for my spiritual needs. Liberal churches in central Indiana are hard to come by. But one of my favorite authors was Philip Gulley. He's fairly prolific, having written or co-written several non-fiction books as well as a fictional series. I'd read almost everything he's written. His theology spoke to me in a way that seemed like a perfect fit. I feel like I was being led. I was curious when I discovered that his Quaker meeting was only 10 minutes from my house. I was ready to visit the meeting and see where it took me. That was the next necessary step.

And now we have been attending Philip Gulley's liberal Quaker meeting. It feels very right at this point. However, every step in my journey has been necessary. I never would have walked through the doors of the Fairfield Friends Meeting if I hadn't gone through all of the previous steps. I wasn't ready.

I don't know what the next necessary step is on my journey, but I know now that I am being led by God on my journey to be closer to him/her. I needed UUism to teach me that one can be religiously liberal and to provide an environment where I could explore religious ideas that would eventually lead me to a more liberal understanding of Christianity. I had to go through that door to arrive at where I am today.

Switching churches

We have decided to leave our UU church. It is a fairly painful thing and I think I am grieving the loss. Some of my friends think they know why we've chosen to leave, but they may be wrong. Actually, this decision was based on two different things.

The first and most obvious thing is the division that has developed in our church over the past 18 months or so. There was a very vocal and powerful group of people who became adamant about forcing the minister out. They would not back down and just last week they finally forced him to resign. From my perspective, I didn't really have a strong feeling about him one way or the other. He wasn't perfect, but he did have potential and he sincerely tried to make changes to please the malcontents. But they were unforgiving. What bothers me most about the entire situation was the lack of compassion and forgiveness exhibited by some of the congregation. Granted, this wasn't everyone (and I doubt if it was even a majority) but it was, like I said, a vocal and powerful group. Now being UU's, they don't necessarily follow the teachings of Jesus and this is where I personally run into some inner conflict. Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness as being the most important thing. Period. But these values weren't a high enough priority for this non-Christian congregation. Do I blame their not being Christian for the problem? Do I expect Christian churches to act differently? No. But at least in a Christian environment you can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" and people might at least consider it. Some of the mean and hateful actions that came out of this did not illustrate the compassion of Christ. And the way they turned their heads and ignored all efforts for improvement showed their disdain for forgiveness. Sigh. Frankly, I just don't feel like the values of this church are the same values that I hold dear. And the values I see are not ones I want to be a part of nor do I want my children to be a part of.

But that isn't the only reason. Concidentally (or not), I have also been feeling a spiritual need that has not been met by the UU church for quite some time. I've posted often on my blog about my spiritual yearning and how I feel unsatisfied at our church. I want and need to feel God and to worship how God is moving in my life on a Sunday morning. For the past couple of years I haven't felt that at a UU church. Even the mention of God often gets gasps or eyerolls (which, to be honest, may have been part of the problem with the minister, but no one admits that). Church often feels dry. I mean, I am very much a believer in environmental issues and social justice issues and I believe those things are exactly what we are called to do. However, I can attend a lecture on carbon emissions or the life of Martin Luther King Jr. at one of the local college campuses. On Sunday mornings I'd rather be moved and feel closer to God.

And so I don't feel compelled to stay at our church or even to seek out another UU church. I still feel very strongly that I support the 7 UU principles and in theory I will always be a UU. But in practice, I need more.

We are going slowly with the liberal Quaker meeting we've been attending each week. We aren't going to jump into membership quite as quickly as we did with the UU church. But so far we really like it. My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about both churches and our experiences in each. We are struck by the compassion and joy of the Quaker meeting. We have also been going enough that we've picked up on a division of sorts that has happened at the Quaker meeting as well. This one has to do with a disagreement about building an extension to the church. But there is a major difference. Both sides of the issue feel very strongly that the most important thing is the unity of the church and that nothing should be done to harm that, first and foremost. The church was first established in 1826 and they feel a strong duty to their ancestors to respect the history of the church and to preserve the future. And they speak so lovingly to each other. It's so refreshing.

So I am sad but hopeful.

Starting a new church year

Even though it meant cutting into what little cash we had on hand to buy gas for the van, we made our way to church yesterday. We are wanting to start this year off right. It was a very uplifting day and I'm glad we went.

The topic of the service was "Who Wrote the Bible?", a fairly overt Christian service for our congregation. I was very interested, but expected an academic snore-fest, frankly. But I'll take any little nugget I can get and I'm trying to get in the habit of giving the benefit of doubt rather than jumping to judgment. Big J, the religious humanist with Native American spiritualism tendencies, was not looking forward to the service but went along as a commitment to start going to church more often. He did mention some moments of discomfort related to the baggage he brings from a conservative Christian upbringing. I imagine his discomfort was milder than that of some in our congregation.

In our congregation it is our custom to keep everyone together through the opening hymn, lighting the chalice, reciting the covenant, welcome and announcements and then a Children's Focus story. After that, the children are released to go to their RE classes. Yesterday's Children's Focus was the Old Testament story about Daniel in the lion's den. I personally thought it was great to hear a bible story in church and see that its message (as interpreted by our Worship Associate) was totally in line with our UU values: if you believe something in your heart, you have the right and should stand up for that belief and not let others forbid you from it.

The main service itself was interesting. It was not as academic and boring as I feared (except for one reading with lots of convoluted big words because we're "so smart"). It wasn't terribly informative for me because I've studied the bible so much on my own already. I was already aware of the theories of multiple authorship of the Old Testament and the J, E, P, and D versions. But it was absolutely fantastic to hear our minister say that the bible has stood the test of time because it has something meaningful and worthwhile to say and that it was never intended to be read literally but rather metaphorically. I sat there nodding my head throughout the service. And the postlude after the service was a wonderful piano arrangement of Amazing Grace. These things are such a rarity in our church that I was brought to tears just sitting there basking in it all.

Coffee hour afterward is also good for the soul. I had a friend come up to me and whisper that she is thinking about starting up a monthly prayer group to meet once a month before the service and she wondered if I'd be interested. Hallelujah! While the number of UU Christians at our church is small, there are lots of people who are "spiritual" and believe in some sort of God. Lots of spiritual talk is left out of the services (with yesterday being a notable exception) because of a very vocal athiest minority. (My friend says that only 19% of the congregation self-identified as Humanist - a fact I found very surprising.) Anyway, those of us with a more spiritual hunger are going to have to join together to find ways to fill our own needs. I am so excited to find others who, while maybe not theologically the same as me, are interested in bringing more spirituality into their lives.

I was happy and basking in the afterglow of the morning on the way home. I asked the boys about their RE classes. D is in the kindergarten class and they are doing the "Stories about God" curriculum this year. He was telling me that they talked about how, "God is everywhere: in the volcanoes, in rainbows, in the oceans, and oh, in people." :-) E is in the 5th/6th grade class and they are studying Jesus and the "Kingdom of Equals" (a.k.a. New Testament) this year. He said they discussed what Jesus might have looked like and how different cultures have portrayed him over history. They also watched a scene from a movie called The Nativity. His only comment was that afterward, one boy suggested they watch Monte Python's Life of Brian. ;-) The class (which happened to be all boys this week) loved the idea and they were all familiar with the Monte Python movies. Gotta love UU kids.

Do I belong in this church?

Back when I was talking about GA, I mentioned in my post entitled Simmered-down GA thoughts that I'd been questioning my own identity as a UU. I thought I'd talk about that today.

It's hard for me to verbalize exactly where my discomfort originates. Am I having trouble relating to the general concept of UUism? I don't think so, at least not on an intellectual level. Am I having trouble relating to my specific church? Possibly. Am I having so many general problems and disappointments with life right now that it is blurrying the focus for me so that I don't know where the unhappiness is coming from, I just know that it is? Very likely.

I don't think my major problem is with UUism itself. I am now, more than ever, right on board with the Seven UU Principles and can't imagining following a faith that doesn't embrace them. However, I am also a UU Christian and sometimes find myself not exactly fitting in for that reason. I do think that the online community I've discovered through blogging and through the UUCF email list has gone a long way toward showing me that there is a place for UU Christians within the UUA.

I often find myself frustrated with my own congregation. While we espouse the values of acceptance of all paths, I have to admit there isn't a very visible presence of UU Christians within our congregation. These days we are dominated by the older "founders" of our church (from the 1960's) who are generally Humanists and the new-age pagans (we have a newish CUUPS chapter which is taking off and growing at a surprising rate). I have no problem with either group and I'm happy that they are both such thriving communities. However, as a UU Christian, I am often uncomfortable there. Three friends and I have formed a UU Christian Circle and we meet in each other's homes once a month, but the congregation does not know about it. We have not advertised it. I admit that that makes me feel a little bit ashamed and fearful and I don't like that. I am not a big fan of evangelism (which is one of the things keeping me from switching to a mainline Christian church), but I do believe in what is written: "Don't hide your light under a basket! Instead, put it on a stand and let it shine for all." (Mt 5:15) I don't want to convert people, but I would like to stand as a witness for liberal Christianity. I see this as an opportunity to show those UU's who've been hurt by traditional Christianity that following Jesus can still be a path of love rather than one of judgment and close-mindedness. I wear my celtic cross necklace to church every time I go. I want to teach by example. But still, I am frustrated by our group's sense of secrecy. I know the names of two other people who are interested in our UU Christian Circle. There may be others who would be interested if they knew we existed. But there are members of our circle who are afraid of "coming out" to the congregation. I don't blame them, but it frustrates me.

Of course, there is also the possibility that my discomfort has nothing to do with the church, but is instead just overflow from my discomfort with life in general. There are a lot of things going on in my life that leave me feeling depressed much of the time. While I think church ought to be a strength during those times, for me it just feels like part of the problem. Yesterday I helped to teach the children's RE class. At our church, the children begin the morning for the first 15 minutes or so in with the congregation until they are released to go to their classes. During that 15 minutes, I just felt like I was in a bubble. I felt almost no connection to the rest of the congregation. It left me feeling very empty and sad. Now, working with the children was much better and that was enjoyable. But I wish I felt more connected with the adults.

At the end of the day, however, there was a bright moment. As we were cleaning up and preparing to go, the woman with whom I was teaching and I had a long and lovely conversation. We've worked together and known each other for years, but this was a more personal conversation than we've ever had. We both shared difficulties we are having in our lives right now and we were able to connect and commisserate. Just when I was feeling disconnected from this congregation, it was almost as if God was speaking to me through this woman reminding me that there are people out there with whom I can connect and that I shouldn't give up hope.

Simmered-down GA thoughts

(By "simmered-down" I am not referring to the use of the phrase to describe someone who is no longer as angry as before. Instead, I'm thinking of "simmered-down" as in the cooking sense. In cooking you take a whole lot of "stuff" and let it simmer until it "reduces" into a smaller amount of material that is stronger and more concentrated.) I've had lots and lots of thoughts about the GA blogs I've been reading and the streaming video I've been watching at the UUA website bumping around in my head. All of that "stuff" is starting to simmer down in my head into something (hopefully) more concentrated.

Before I say what I'm thinking, I have to repeat that so far I have never been able to attend a GA in person. My experience of GA is limited to what I can access online. I'm guessing I'm not the only online reader out here so maybe my words can speak for those of us who experienced GA vicariously. On July 8 our church has planned a service where our delegates will share with the congregation news about what happened at GA. But I have a feeling they'll stick to the basics and many of the smaller tidbits will be left out. I want more.

First, I was generally disappointed with the streaming video available at the UUA website. It isn't totally the UUA's fault. I have a dial-up 56K connection, so at best the video was choppy and some of the audio was so choppy that I couldn't understand what was being said. I would have liked to have recognized faces or banners during the banner parade, but it was mostly a colorful blur. The music was nice though. And the lag between the time of an event and when the video shows up on the website is disappointing. I'd planned to watch the closing worship live, but it was at 7:00 local time and I was right in the middle of getting dinner on the table. By the time dinner and dishes were done, so was the closing worship. I'm hearing positive chatter about it on the blogs, but the link still isn't up and I'm anxious to see it myself.

The bloggers have been a godsend. Not only did they give information about the various sessions, but they shared lots of "color" to help fill in the picture. From the horrendous flight experiences getting to GA to the pictures of the blogger dinner at a Greek restaurant, all of those things round out the experience for those of us at home.

There was a point when I wondered if I really wanted to go to GA at all. It seems like a lot of money and stress and then you get there and there are all these sessions talking about social justice issues and politics. Now don't get me wrong. I'm right there with everyone on the anti-war, marriage freedom, racial equality, transgender equality, etc. But I'm more of a spiritual person than a political person. My favorite videos were the worship services with their music and moving words. A call to arms just doesn't move me like a song of praise does. But that's just me. (I've been questioning my own identity as a UU for these same reasons, but I'll save that long story for a different post.)

But then I realized that there is an awful lot that happens at GA that doesn't make it online. Over at Planting God Communities, Rev. Ron Robinson, Executive Director of the UUCF, mentioned some lesser-known activities that I would have loved to be a part of. On Saturday there was a communion by the UUCF. Then Sunday there was a lecture by Kathleen Norris, author of "Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith". These are the types of things I'd attend if I were at GA and I think that would make me more satisfied than the political discussions. (BTW, I'd love to read a description of the Kathleen Norris lecture if anyone wants to do a write-up.)

GA Vicariously

As I sit here at home sipping my coffee after getting bowls of cereal for the boys, it is really nice to be able to check in with the UU blogosphere to find out what is going on right now over in Portland, Oregon at the 46th annual UU General Assembly. Our church has sent 12 people so I am sure I will hear tidbits eventually. But there is something to be said for those people who are on the ground in Portand and are posting to keep us updated back here in the hinterland. I'm sure it is very hectic there. I've seen the schedules. Those of us back home really appreciate the time everyone is taking to get information out.

I will be checking in several times this weekend over at the UUpdates website to see what bloggers are saying. Maybe one of these days I'll have the money and freedom to actually attend GA. But for now I have to live vicariously through the UU bloggers.

A popular culture UU??

The recent announcement of the UU Blog awards and the resulting nominees has caused me to spend some time ruminating on what I've been reading. One of the blog entries that really struck me was called Am I Too Stupid to be a UU?. I was struck to my very core with this post because it sounded so much like something I could have posted myself. Sometimes I feel like UU's are intellectual snobs. I don't think it is intentional. Some of my dearest friends are UU's who I love to death and I don't think they mean to be intelluctually prejudiced. But we are. Do I really belong here? Am I smart enough to keep up?

I struggle with this myself. I go between being proud of the intellectual achievements of UU's (over 98% of our church has at least a bachelor's degree) and being revolted at the isolation caused by being brainiacs. I relate more to people who have a modicum of education and awareness of the world at large. But at the same time I am revolted (almost physically) at that very thing. How dare I place value on something so trivial. Yuck!

I think this particular issue resonates with my own issues of belonging in my spiritual (UU) community and in my residential (rural America) community. The thing that comes first to mind is popular culture. With UU's (primarily my own church and secondarily the online UU world) popular culture is taboo. Here are some specific examples of my feeling marginalized because of my interest in popular culture: at a UU book discussion (don't remember the book we were talking about) several comments were made about the low level standards of people who watch such "banal" TV as Survivor (lots of eye rolls) as if this is beneath them. Note: I am a huge Survivor fan and my family and I watch every new season with loyal attention. I felt marginalized. Another instance: I went to a youth group parent "meeting" where the topic of discussion was youth and media. Again, people who watch TV were characterized (in my opinion, at least) as inferior. The UU's at this gathering bragged that they only own one TV per household and it is permanenty fixed to PBS. Again, being someone who (gasp) keeps up with popular culture, I felt marginalized. Why does my enjoyment of watching these (albeit trashy) TV shows make me somehow less?

I admit it. I watch TV. I listen to radio. I keep up with popular culture. We watch the local sports teams and cheer them on. We watch Survivor and American Idol. We watch the Office and My Name is Earl. One of my favorite shows is Seinfeld. I wear blue on "Blue Fridays" to support my Colts football team. This feels so anti-UU. Sigh.

It also happens on the blog world. I am a new blogger and I feel like a kid hanging out with the grown ups. We have all these seminarians and ministers posting these "Deep Thoughts" and I feel, frankly, silly. My blog will never be on the nominations list for the UU Blog awards. I'm just not up to snuff. I read some mainstream novels and watch TV and listen to regular radio music. Does that mean I have to revoke my UU membership? I don't know. God still speaks to me to love my fellow humans, whomever they may be.

You know, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. In my real world existence as a mom and substitute elementary teacher, I feel much more educated than most and very worldly in comparison. (My son, a freshman in high school, was the ONLY kid in class who was able to successfully say who Nancy Pelosi is and how she is noteworthy...most kids have no idea). But in the UU world I feel like a fraud.

I think the nominations for the annual UU Blog awards has caused me to really think about who I am as a blogger (among other things). I will never be a theologian or someone with "deep thoughts". But I am a real American mom with three boys, a husband, a house, a dog, too many bills and not enough money, a job I love but pays squat, a love for TV, books, and music, and for God and its presence in my life. I won't post high-falutin' theses on religious concepts. That isn't me. But I can post about how God is moving in my life, how UUism speaks to me, how I love my kids and Seinfeld at the same time and have something to offer the world.

I have a feeling I'll have more to say on this issue in future posts. Stay with me and see what happens.