That time of the year

It's that time of the year again. Summer is always the most difficult time of the year for me. I know it, I try to avoid it, but it gets me every year. Depression. I realize that I rely too heavily on external validation. Intellectually I know that and I know that I shouldn't, but in those isolated days of summer it hits me like a ton of bricks. During the school year I interact with dozens of adults and kids every day who let me know that my presence in their lives matters. But come the end of May all that stops.

For 2 1/2 months I am at home with very little interaction with anyone besides my own immediate family. And while I love them, to them I am invisible. As long as dinner is on the table and clothes are washed, they couldn't really care less about what is going on with me.

Of course, this is the time of year when the UU church (in my opinion) falls apart. The minister is gone for weeks on end, the congregation is busy jet setting off to this vacation location or the other (sometimes it really irks me to belong to a wealthy congregation and to be one of the poorest people there), and general attendance is just low. And again, I'm invisible. I can go for weeks without attending church and no one really seems to notice unless they need something from me (like to teach RE). And this year our newly-formed UU Christian Circle is having to take a 3-month hiatus because of scheduling difficulties. If ever there was a time when I needed a close spiritual group it is now! UGH!

AAGH. It's just so frustrating. I just wish I had a little bit of money to go somewhere and do something. But I don't. And with the price of gasoline these days, I find myself freaking out over running the smallest of errands. Blah.

Sorry to vent there. I'm just feeling a little frustrated and isolated.

Fast Food Nation

I've been meaning to add a blog post about this for a week now, but I was finishing up my one-month stint as a full-time teacher. Between that and evening activities with the family, I haven't even had the chance to check my email for days, let alone post on the blog. But it is now Saturday and I'm finished teaching so...

A couple of weeks ago we started up a membership to Blockbuster Online which is their equivalent of Netflicks. Anyway, one of the first movies we watched was the movie Fast Food Nation, a fictional story based on the non-fiction book of the same name. I will just say it was very disturbing. Even if only part of what they say is true (and I think it is), the process of meat packaging and distribution in this country is disgusting and takes advantage of migrant workers from Mexico. Now, I could imagine people (especially those who stand to profit financially from the meat industry) would counter with this detail or that. But I have to admit that nothing anyone could say could erase from my mind the image of cow feces ground in with ground beef. Or of human workers losing a finger or an arm or a leg because the process was being rushed through to up profits. I know that in the last decade or two our country has become all about the mighty dollar. That is what companies care about and they will exploit whatever animals and/or cheap labor they can in order to increase their profits. And I just don't believe their claims to the contrary.

So after we saw the movie for a day or two, none of us could get it out of our heads. Little J came home from school and said he had to have a salad for lunch because he just couldn't stomach eating meat. Big J and I were talking and we felt the same way. We just *couldn't* bring ourselves to do it. So ever since then we haven't eaten meat. Each week I've had to scramble to find new vegetarian recipes. We've been trying out some new things. Some have been hits and some have been less than appealing. It is like starting to cook all over again. But it has been surprisingly easy, for me at least. Meat (including chicken) just doesn't have the lure it once did. I don't necessarily feel opposed to eating meat. If I could find meat locally that I felt was grown and processed in a sanitary and humane way and was within my very limited budget, I'd make it and eat it. We've been checking out the meat counter at the Whole Foods (which is an hour away from where we live, btw). But it is much more expensive and if we totally go that route, our grocery bill will definitely feel the shock.

Coincidentally (or not) last Sunday was Earth Day. Our church has adopted the Green Sanctuary philosophy and are currently candidates for that title. Anyway as part of a much larger Earth Day discussion about what we as a congregation and as individuals can do to make changes in the current climate risks, we were given checklists for our homes listing things we can do as families to reduce environmental impact. We sat down after getting home from church and discovered several things we're already doing as a family. We also identified several new things we can implement fairly easily. We are becoming more aware of what we spend our money on (products made of recycled materials, food grown locally and organically, cleaning materials that are safer for the environment, etc.). All this means that between not buying meat, adapting new vegetarian recipes, and selecting organic foods, my grocery habits are making major changes. I'm hoping I can make the changes without too much stress. Last week I bought a week of groceries that included no meat but lots of organic produce (and other things) for about the same amount as what I used to spend. So maybe it won't be such a big shock after all. And I feel so much better about it.

Speaking of feeling better, I also feel pretty good physically. I've lost 3 lbs. since going vegetarian. Obviously, losing weight wasn't a motivation for the diet change, but it is a pleasant by-product of it. Last night, Big J was going to a memorial lecture about Kurt Vonnegut and didn't have time for the roasted vegetable dinner I made so he backslid for the first time and got a double cheeseburger at McDonalds. He hadn't had any meat in almost 2 weeks. He was shocked at his body's reaction. It really messed up his stomach and he spent much of the evening (and even this morning) in the restroom. Seeing how much just one burger can disrupt your body renews my motivation to stick with the vegetarian diet. This is new territory for us, but it is kind of exciting.

I'm now collecting tasty veggie recipes (i.e. that kids will eat) that take around 30 minutes to make and don't involve expensive ingredients.

Cough cough - still recuperating

Aw, Ms. Kitty was wondering how I've been. I know I've been MIA around here lately.

The flu last week really zapped me. I missed work almost all week last week. Even though I am back at work this week, I am still not feeling great. Working (even until just 3:30) has me totally worn out by the end of the day. I'm still fighting a bad cough, congestion and sinus headaches (which sometimes leads to nausea) and lots of fatigue.

I frankly don't feel much like even sitting at the computer and reading, much less posting. But I'm still out here and I'm trying to get back to my normal self. Thank you all for thinking of me. Hopefully I'll be back to rambling in my blog soon.

The flu strikes

I am crawling back to consciousness after being blind-sided by the flu this week. I have managed to lose 3 days of my life. I've been feverish, shivery, congested, hacking, etc. Not a pretty picture. I've been living in my flannel jammies huddled under blankets on the recliner and surrounded by kleenexes, bottles of nyquil, half-drunk cups of hot tea and cough drops.

Finally, this morning, I am resurfacing. I am not totally back to normal (my nose is still giving me grief). But my fever seems to be gone and the achiness has subsided. I should be able to return to work next week.

In the meantime, everything around the house has fallen apart. Big J tried to do a little laundry when he got home last night and he's loaded the dishwasher once or twice. But after working all day he only felt like doing what absolutely had to be done. There is plenty left for me to do today.

I did it!

By a strange fluke, I had today off work but didn't find out until after I'd dropped D off at the sitter. So, as I'd promised myself I would do if such an occasion ever arose, I decided to go to the gym. I changed my clothes, grabbed my keys and jacket, and was out the door before I could talk myself out of it.

I did 30 minutes of cardio on the stationary bike and then about 20 minutes of weight work on the machines. I have to adjust the machines down to just about the lowest setting, but it's a start. I only managed to go to the gym once last week, so this makes my second time to go since we restarted our membership. I am bound and determined to get this body in shape again.

And maybe it'll help me feel better emotionally too.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I've been too busy this week to sit down at the computer and post here in my blog. Generally, I am doing well. My nightly meditation is going well (with the exception of this weekend when I stayed up too late watching TV and went straight to bed and skipped the meditation). I am enjoying the peaceful time. I basically begin by trying to clear my mind of all thoughts. I maintain the position of neither rejecting nor holding onto thoughts, but let them wax and wane as they naturally do. I have already encountered two subjects that are causing me some discomfort and I want to pray on them some more. Specifically I am troubled by guilt/shame and I am also finding myself more and more troubled by issues of feminism.

Big J and I have talked about how sometimes we recognize signs in our daily lives. Little things that happen and could be contrued as coincidences, but there is often a pattern which has meaning in our personal lives. For him, he was noticing many messages about the need to be more conscious of his cholesterol. Things kept popping up trying to get him to pay attention to his eating and exercise habits. For me, issues of feminism keep popping up. I just finished another book this morning (blog book review forthcoming) that has once again stoked the flames of feminism and my own identity. I feel like I waver between two sides of the issue and don't quite know where I fit in. I could go into this issue in its own post (or series of posts) later when I have more time.

Among the many things we've done this week, we have renewed our lapsed membership at the Y. This was primarily Big J's idea (on his anti-cholesterol kick) and Little J was a big supporter (he needs a workout venue now that wrestling season has ended). And I have to say it is something I need. My doctor told me several months ago that I would be wise to lose 20-30 lbs and my blogger/email friends Head Case and Yogamum have both been excellent examples of women who successfully got their bodies moving and have gotten in good shape. I should follow their examples. My plan is to start out by getting the old bones moving and blowing the dust off my rickety old joints. Then I may sign up for a yoga or pilates class. We'll see. Plus we'll have a free admission to a swimming pool this summer (well not free if you count our membership fee, but you know what I mean). The boys are excited about that part.

Worried about a friend

I have a friend who is really freaking out about her health right now. The short version of the story is that she started having headaches, went to the hospital, and they discovered she has a small tumor. The professionals are downplaying it like it is no big deal, but she is really freaking out. I have a feeling it probably isn't terribly serious, but I also worry about how upset she's getting about it. That alone might make it worse.

Anyway, she is in my prayers and if any of you have any words of wisdom for her, I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Whine whine whine...

I have been in a grumpy mood the last few days. First of all, this heat is just oppressive. With daily highs of 97 with a heat index near 105, we stay inside in the AC. That is getting old. But the humidity is so bad that you step outside and you feel the moisture cover your skin. Eeew. I hate hate hate getting hot and sweaty.

Plus I went to the doctor the other day. The good news is my health is doing pretty well. My lupus is behaving very nicely, thank you very much. The bad news is I need to lose weight and exercise. For various reasons I am predisposed to heart disease so my doc wants me to exercise at least 3 times a week and drop about 30 lbs. Blah. I don't like to exercise. Whine. I have never been able to successfully take of weight. Whine. So I am trying to watch it. But that doesn't mean I like it. Whine.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and we have no money to do anything. I mean, literally, no money. So I am going to fix dinner for us (which will make the day so much different from every other single day *sarcasm*). Day after day after day after day of the same old stuff and then no money to even celebrate something like an anniversary. Heck, I'm still waiting for the dinner I was supposed to get for my birthday 6 months ago but we didn't have any money then either. See a pattern?

Sigh.

Yes, I am bitter. I need to get over it. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I need to look a little bit harder for it. It is all fogged over right now. ;-/

Feelin' Lousy

Have I mentioned before that I have Lupus? (I like to say that I have Lupus, but it doesn't have me because, generally, it doesn't.) Anyway, I've run into a snag. I ran out of one of my meds that I have to take daily. Last time I went to the doc, she gave me a new prescription for refills, but that was several months ago and now I can't find the prescription! I put it somewhere for "safe keeping". HA! I was going to try to tough it out until my August 1 appointment (stupid, I know), but I'm starting to notice I am feeling bad. It really feels like arthritis pain. My right knee hurts and my hips and shoulders are starting to hurt. Sigh. It makes it hard to do anything.

So I guess I'll have to call the doc once the office opens this morning and see if she can have something phoned to the pharmacy for me. No way I can make it unmedicated until Aug. 1.

On top of all that, I went to the dentist yesterday to have two crowns put in. I'm a baby so I asked them to numb my mouth so I wouldn't feel it. Well, wouldn't you know, I chomped down on the inside of my left cheek without even realizing it when it was numb. Last night when the numbness wore off I had this incredible bruised-like pain in my jaw. Took me a while to figure out what was going on.

So anyway, I'm not feeling great physically and emotionally I just feel grumpy. And the heat outside is oppressive so we're all stuck inside in the AC. I need to think of something creative for us to do, but I just don't feel up to the challenge right now.

Grumph!

I need a breather

We are all on Fall Break right now (except for Big J who has to work, of course) and it is a good thing. We all needed a break. Besides being frazzled from the busy start to the school year, I have caught a head cold that has taken me down for the count. I took some decongestant this morning and it has taken me from being 100% congested to about 85% congested. Sigh. Oh to be able to breathe again. Plus my voice is grovelly and lower than usual and I sound like a smoker even though I'm not. I'm spending today lying around the house in sweats and reading. It doesn't help that it is raining out. It's a sweats kind of day.

The boys are getting antsy. Yesterday we did some craft projects and they played outside in the afternoon. But that isn't an option today without a life raft. So I'm thinking maybe we'll put some movies in and make popcorn or something.

This weekend we were going to head out to the orchard to soak in some autumn, but it looks like it will be rainy and maybe even snowy by Monday. Blah. What to do ... what to do...

I am reading several really good books right now and I plan on posting about them here once I finish them. I have this habit of reading multiple books at once. ;-) So many books - so little time. But they are wonderful!

SAD and feeling swamped

It has been very overcast and cloudy around here lately and I can just feel SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) knocking at my door. I just sense the gloominess is near and I'm doing everything I can to ignore it. I need to come up with some happy thing to do to combat it. Hmmm...

I also feel swamped. I've gotten myself into so many projects that my head is swimming. We have fall break coming up soon and it will be nice to take a couple of days off to refocus. At this point I'm living one day at a time and barely staying ahead of laundry, dirty dishes, and grocery shopping. Today after school we have a doctor's appointment and a cub scout meeting that I'm leading (gotta remember to stop and buy a snack). Then tomorrow J has soccer practice. Then Saturday is J's last soccer game. Fortunately E's football has ended and so has J's cross country season. I wonder how long we have before wrestling season starts. Then the craziness will all start again. My evenings are just as busy and my days!

Plus, in a couple of weeks J's youth group starts their yearlong program that includes overnights once a month and lots of extra trips to church. Plus I am team-teaching the 5th/6th grade class called Jesus and His Kingdom of Equals. It is a wonderful class, but it keeps me busy. On top of all that I am an Associate which means every few weeks I have to help get the ball rolling on Sunday mornings (unlock the building, make sure teachers have necessary supplies, greet new visitors, etc.). Meanwhile in my freetime I need to rewrite some of the 1st/2nd grade curriculum. AGH! I'm not sure when I'll find time to do all this especially when I'm working so much. Heck, I'd be working today if J wasn't home sick.

Well, I'm off to brew a fresh pot of coffee and try to sort things out. At least I love all the things I'm doing...