Today I am 40

Yes, it's my birthday. I have 4 whole decades under my belt now.

I have had a hard time leading up to this birthday. Now, it isn't about getting older. I really don't mind that. In fact, I'm kind of excited to be starting a brand new decade of life. It's like a fresh slate for me to write on. And I don't really feel old.

But the whole thing about landmark birthdays is the focus. I am uncomfortable with the Birthday thing. (Warning: this is where I slide off into the whole self-pity thing so get out now, it's not too late.) I can't help but thinking of Charlie Brown at Valentine's Day when he says he already knows that nobody likes him - why do they need a holiday to emphasize it. I'm not quite that bad. I don't feel like I don't have friends, per se, but I was thinking about the people in my life. I get a very panicky feeling when I wonder - if they threw a party for me, would anyone show up? I have lots and lots of acquaintances in my life. There are lots of people who seem to like to talk to me whenever we happen to be at the same place at the same time. But no one ever calls and asks me to just hang out. I never get invited to parties or anything. I don't get the impression that there is anyone out there outside of my own family who really considers me a close friend. I'm starting to develop a couple of friendships at church, but they are still in the very early stages. We aren't to the "call up and chat" phase yet.

True, I could be the one to make the first move. But I am literally paralyzed with fear over that. Here's my sob story: I don't have good experiences with birthdays. Having a birthday on January 31 in Indiana is not always a good thing anyway. Blizzards happen. Growing up I had more than one birthday affected by the weather. On my "Sweet Sixteen" birthday, however, I think it was actually a high school basketball game that nudged out my birthday. I had a slumber party for my birthday and no one came. I spent hours lying in bed sobbing. I'm sure those other girls never realized how traumatized I was, but ever since then I've always felt that there is something or someone who is more important to everyone else than me. I'm not high on anyone's priority list. I'm okay to spend time with - as long as there isn't something more interesting going on. I've made other sad attempts since then (candle parties, etc.) and again, people seem to have something better to do. The only people I've ever been able to count on are my family. And I feel like they only come to my parties because they have to. It'd be nice to feel like people did things for me because they wanted to.

Whew. See how easy it is for me to slip into "self-pity" mode? I've been plagued by these thoughts for about 3 months now. I'd love to have a party to celebrate my 40th birthday. (I know that other people have parties thrown for them.) But I am also terrified that no one would come which would only spotlight (again) my lack of friends. And so we've played it safe again. Big J, knowing I wanted something special, asked my family (parents, brother and his family, sister and her family) to all go out to dinner on Saturday for my birthday. So there is something.

I know I sound ungrateful. I don't want to. I exert an awful lot of effort nearly every day forcing myself to be grateful for what I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't have. It's so hard though, because those thoughts keep coming back into my mind. You ought to be able to just choose to live one way and that would be it. But it doesn't work that way. You have to keep rechoosing over and over again. It really can be exhausting.

Anyway, it is early today. Not even 9am yet. I am going to choose to have a positive outlook today. And I'm treating myself to cheesecake tonight.