My Birthday Ritual

A few years ago I developed an annual birthday ritual to help me celebrate my birthday in a personal and meaningful way. Here's the blueprint:

As close to my actual birthday as possible, I set aside an afternoon for the ritual. It can take a couple of hours, so I like to have a large block of available time. I am alone at home with no kids (or when they were younger, kids were napping). I set my stereo to a smooth jazz station (soothing music with few lyrics which allows me easier reflection). Around my room I set out tealight candles in the number that equals my birthday. I tend to arrange them around the perimeter of the room so that I can sit in the middle of the circle created by the candles (surrounding myself with the light of my life, so to speak). Beginning at a chosen point, I begin to light each candle slowly and deliberately, reciting each year as I do (ex. 1967, 1968, etc.) As I light the candle, I pause and let my mind return to that year of my life. Obviously, the older I get, the longer this part takes. But I try not to rush and try to be mindful of each year. By the time I reach the current year, I have made a journey through my life to this point. The first time I did the ritual, after the candles were lit I pulled out photo albums and boxes of old photographs for a walk down memory lane. I haven't felt the need so much to do that in recent years. Anyway, with candles lit and music playing softly on the stereo I sit in the middle of the room and reflect on my life up to this point. Who are the people who have come into and gone out of my life? Where have I gone so far (physically, spiritually, mentally). What has led me to where I am today? Those types of questions.

Then I journal. I fill several pages with the thoughts that have come to me and I keep writing until I feel that all the words have come out. Looking around at the candles surrounding me, I feel at peace and accomplished.

I finish by celebrating with a special blend of coffee and a piece (or two or three) of one of my favorite indulgences: Philadelphia Cream Cheese Snack Bars in Marble Brownie. Approximately a billion calories per small bar, but I only do this once a year so I ignore the calories.

I haven't done my annual ritual yet this year. I've had scheduling difficulties. Little J has been home sick with bronchitis all week and even today (he's back in school) I have D home with me. And I haven't done my shopping for the snack bars, coffee, and extra tealights (I don't think I have 40 in the house).

But I have to admit that part of it is also that I am reluctant to focus so much on my past. Don't get me wrong, I definitely think it is important to reflect on my past as part of who I am and how I got here. But it shouldn't be the main focus, at least according to my current mindset. Maybe I can minimize the reflection and instead try to focus on what I still want to do with my life. I toyed around with the idea of writing a letter to my 50 year old self to be read 10 years from now. That might be interesting.

Yeah, I want to spend less time dwelling on the past. You know, people who walk around looking behind them all the time end up walking into an awful lot of walls.

Long Live the Queen

Tonight at dinner, Big J gave me this tiara (notice the "40"). I wore it all night and I'm planning to take it to the restaurant on Saturday. He also is getting us tickets to see the Celtic Woman concert in April. But get a load of this. Here is a poem that Big J wrote for me:

Sipping red wine she stares at the past
Little girl to woman, the time has flown so fast
A scrapbook holds the memories that last
For this curly-haired little dancer, a delight unsurpassed

Bright brown eyes create the pages of today
And now her children's activities hold sway
Birthday parties, sports, homework - priorities to be weighed
So much activity, there's no time to delay!

Wisps of silver trail down her cheek
As she stares at the blank pages, the future she seeks
She smiles and considers the new adventures she'll greet
For this still curly-haired sweet dancer, her curiosity is piqued

Isn't that the coolest? Talk about being surprised. I have to put that away for safe keeping.

Today I am 40

Yes, it's my birthday. I have 4 whole decades under my belt now.

I have had a hard time leading up to this birthday. Now, it isn't about getting older. I really don't mind that. In fact, I'm kind of excited to be starting a brand new decade of life. It's like a fresh slate for me to write on. And I don't really feel old.

But the whole thing about landmark birthdays is the focus. I am uncomfortable with the Birthday thing. (Warning: this is where I slide off into the whole self-pity thing so get out now, it's not too late.) I can't help but thinking of Charlie Brown at Valentine's Day when he says he already knows that nobody likes him - why do they need a holiday to emphasize it. I'm not quite that bad. I don't feel like I don't have friends, per se, but I was thinking about the people in my life. I get a very panicky feeling when I wonder - if they threw a party for me, would anyone show up? I have lots and lots of acquaintances in my life. There are lots of people who seem to like to talk to me whenever we happen to be at the same place at the same time. But no one ever calls and asks me to just hang out. I never get invited to parties or anything. I don't get the impression that there is anyone out there outside of my own family who really considers me a close friend. I'm starting to develop a couple of friendships at church, but they are still in the very early stages. We aren't to the "call up and chat" phase yet.

True, I could be the one to make the first move. But I am literally paralyzed with fear over that. Here's my sob story: I don't have good experiences with birthdays. Having a birthday on January 31 in Indiana is not always a good thing anyway. Blizzards happen. Growing up I had more than one birthday affected by the weather. On my "Sweet Sixteen" birthday, however, I think it was actually a high school basketball game that nudged out my birthday. I had a slumber party for my birthday and no one came. I spent hours lying in bed sobbing. I'm sure those other girls never realized how traumatized I was, but ever since then I've always felt that there is something or someone who is more important to everyone else than me. I'm not high on anyone's priority list. I'm okay to spend time with - as long as there isn't something more interesting going on. I've made other sad attempts since then (candle parties, etc.) and again, people seem to have something better to do. The only people I've ever been able to count on are my family. And I feel like they only come to my parties because they have to. It'd be nice to feel like people did things for me because they wanted to.

Whew. See how easy it is for me to slip into "self-pity" mode? I've been plagued by these thoughts for about 3 months now. I'd love to have a party to celebrate my 40th birthday. (I know that other people have parties thrown for them.) But I am also terrified that no one would come which would only spotlight (again) my lack of friends. And so we've played it safe again. Big J, knowing I wanted something special, asked my family (parents, brother and his family, sister and her family) to all go out to dinner on Saturday for my birthday. So there is something.

I know I sound ungrateful. I don't want to. I exert an awful lot of effort nearly every day forcing myself to be grateful for what I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't have. It's so hard though, because those thoughts keep coming back into my mind. You ought to be able to just choose to live one way and that would be it. But it doesn't work that way. You have to keep rechoosing over and over again. It really can be exhausting.

Anyway, it is early today. Not even 9am yet. I am going to choose to have a positive outlook today. And I'm treating myself to cheesecake tonight.