My Birthday Ritual

A few years ago I developed an annual birthday ritual to help me celebrate my birthday in a personal and meaningful way. Here's the blueprint:

As close to my actual birthday as possible, I set aside an afternoon for the ritual. It can take a couple of hours, so I like to have a large block of available time. I am alone at home with no kids (or when they were younger, kids were napping). I set my stereo to a smooth jazz station (soothing music with few lyrics which allows me easier reflection). Around my room I set out tealight candles in the number that equals my birthday. I tend to arrange them around the perimeter of the room so that I can sit in the middle of the circle created by the candles (surrounding myself with the light of my life, so to speak). Beginning at a chosen point, I begin to light each candle slowly and deliberately, reciting each year as I do (ex. 1967, 1968, etc.) As I light the candle, I pause and let my mind return to that year of my life. Obviously, the older I get, the longer this part takes. But I try not to rush and try to be mindful of each year. By the time I reach the current year, I have made a journey through my life to this point. The first time I did the ritual, after the candles were lit I pulled out photo albums and boxes of old photographs for a walk down memory lane. I haven't felt the need so much to do that in recent years. Anyway, with candles lit and music playing softly on the stereo I sit in the middle of the room and reflect on my life up to this point. Who are the people who have come into and gone out of my life? Where have I gone so far (physically, spiritually, mentally). What has led me to where I am today? Those types of questions.

Then I journal. I fill several pages with the thoughts that have come to me and I keep writing until I feel that all the words have come out. Looking around at the candles surrounding me, I feel at peace and accomplished.

I finish by celebrating with a special blend of coffee and a piece (or two or three) of one of my favorite indulgences: Philadelphia Cream Cheese Snack Bars in Marble Brownie. Approximately a billion calories per small bar, but I only do this once a year so I ignore the calories.

I haven't done my annual ritual yet this year. I've had scheduling difficulties. Little J has been home sick with bronchitis all week and even today (he's back in school) I have D home with me. And I haven't done my shopping for the snack bars, coffee, and extra tealights (I don't think I have 40 in the house).

But I have to admit that part of it is also that I am reluctant to focus so much on my past. Don't get me wrong, I definitely think it is important to reflect on my past as part of who I am and how I got here. But it shouldn't be the main focus, at least according to my current mindset. Maybe I can minimize the reflection and instead try to focus on what I still want to do with my life. I toyed around with the idea of writing a letter to my 50 year old self to be read 10 years from now. That might be interesting.

Yeah, I want to spend less time dwelling on the past. You know, people who walk around looking behind them all the time end up walking into an awful lot of walls.