Weird identity crisis
So I had a day today that has left me feeling ungrounded. Just when I think I'm starting to get a handle on the "Who Am I?" question, I have an experience that knocks everything askew and makes me scratch my head and start over again.
23 years ago I was a senior in high school. There were 250 kids in my class which is big enough to feel like a crowd, but small enough that you still knew most people you went to school with. I was the drum major of the band and was fairly involved in other activities around the school. I was pretty well-known, especially among the music people from every grade. Back then I was riding high on the hog, as the saying goes. I remember feeling like I was in my element. I was brimming with self-confidence. I was surrounded by friends and couldn't go anywhere around town without knowing most people and having them know me.
That was a long time ago. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't have the self-confidence I did back then. I don't have many friends at all and I generally feel like I go through life pretty invisibly. I feel like a totally different person than who I was back then. I don't think one is better than the other. I've kind of come to accept who I am now. At this point in my life I am comfortable with who I have become. I'm used to going out in public and not getting recognized. That's been one of the fun things about subbing. Sometimes when I go to the grocery store I run into a student who recognizes me and says hi and introduces me to their mom or dad. It's kind of neat to feel noteworthy again after all of these years.
Anyway, today I was in the role of "band parent" because our school hosted a Winter Guard contest and I was asked to help out. This is the same school I went to myself. Most of the faces have changed after all of these years. I've met the other parents as "new people" within the last couple of years. But occasionally I run into someone I knew From Before. Today I saw my Senior English teacher. She remembered me (she reminded me of the term paper I wrote that earned me the "highest grade she ever gave on a term paper"). Then I ran into the wife of the band director. She hadn't seen me since graduation. She didn't recognize me at first until I told her who I was. Then she was gushing and trying to get me to help her recruit alumni band people for next year's alumni game to honor the band director's 40th year at the school. Then later I was helping a couple of women find a seat when they looked at me and immediately recognized me. It took me a few minutes to remember that they were in the color guard as freshmen when I was a senior drum major. I couldn't exactly remember their names and I felt guilty about that, but they knew me.
It seemed strange to me the way that these people all reacted when they saw me. It took me back to a different time in my life. People don't receive me with that kind of enthusiasm anymore. It made me start thinking about how much I've changed since high school. I am the same person. Why do I feel so different? And back then I was on top of the world and now I feel like I struggle daily. What has changed?
I just feel really strange after these interactions today. Part of me wishes things were like they used to be, but I have no idea how they changed into what they are today. Sigh.
23 years ago I was a senior in high school. There were 250 kids in my class which is big enough to feel like a crowd, but small enough that you still knew most people you went to school with. I was the drum major of the band and was fairly involved in other activities around the school. I was pretty well-known, especially among the music people from every grade. Back then I was riding high on the hog, as the saying goes. I remember feeling like I was in my element. I was brimming with self-confidence. I was surrounded by friends and couldn't go anywhere around town without knowing most people and having them know me.
That was a long time ago. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't have the self-confidence I did back then. I don't have many friends at all and I generally feel like I go through life pretty invisibly. I feel like a totally different person than who I was back then. I don't think one is better than the other. I've kind of come to accept who I am now. At this point in my life I am comfortable with who I have become. I'm used to going out in public and not getting recognized. That's been one of the fun things about subbing. Sometimes when I go to the grocery store I run into a student who recognizes me and says hi and introduces me to their mom or dad. It's kind of neat to feel noteworthy again after all of these years.
Anyway, today I was in the role of "band parent" because our school hosted a Winter Guard contest and I was asked to help out. This is the same school I went to myself. Most of the faces have changed after all of these years. I've met the other parents as "new people" within the last couple of years. But occasionally I run into someone I knew From Before. Today I saw my Senior English teacher. She remembered me (she reminded me of the term paper I wrote that earned me the "highest grade she ever gave on a term paper"). Then I ran into the wife of the band director. She hadn't seen me since graduation. She didn't recognize me at first until I told her who I was. Then she was gushing and trying to get me to help her recruit alumni band people for next year's alumni game to honor the band director's 40th year at the school. Then later I was helping a couple of women find a seat when they looked at me and immediately recognized me. It took me a few minutes to remember that they were in the color guard as freshmen when I was a senior drum major. I couldn't exactly remember their names and I felt guilty about that, but they knew me.
It seemed strange to me the way that these people all reacted when they saw me. It took me back to a different time in my life. People don't receive me with that kind of enthusiasm anymore. It made me start thinking about how much I've changed since high school. I am the same person. Why do I feel so different? And back then I was on top of the world and now I feel like I struggle daily. What has changed?
I just feel really strange after these interactions today. Part of me wishes things were like they used to be, but I have no idea how they changed into what they are today. Sigh.
posted by Mama G @ 6:13 PM
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