Confused feminist
Feminism to me is a lot like religion...I am caught somewhere in the middle and don't really seem to fit in anywhere. I share values with one side of the coin while rejecting other values and then certain aspects of the other side of the coin appeal to me. Because I have one foot in each side of the issue, I feel like I am always on the outside.
I grew up in a fairly conservative environment. My father was the main breadwinner of the family and worked as an elementary school teacher. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until all of us kids were in school and then she went back to work part-time as a hairdresser. I remember being vocal from a young age about girls being allowed to do whatever boys can do. I resented being the one who had to make dinner and do the dishes on evenings my mom worked because I was the oldest girl. But that is really the only slight I can remember from growing up. I don't remember ever being told I couldn't do something because I was a girl.
As for my parents, my mother was happy that she got to have the life she always wanted - to be a mother and have a family. To her, everything else was secondary. A year or so ago I was talking to her and she told me that that's all she ever wanted. She never had desires to go to college or have a career. Now, I know there are those (who don't know my mom, btw) who would say that those ideas were planted in her head from an early age. First of all, I'd say that is an arrogant stance to take about someone you don't know. And secondly, my mom is happy with her life. She was able to have what she set out to get and now she is surrounded by grandchildren whom she loves to spoil. You can see her face light up when her children and grandchildren come to visit. For anyone to suggest that she "should have" done something else makes me angry.
My father was the breadwinner, but he wasn't what I ever considered a traditional hands-off father. As a teacher, he was home from school by 3:30 each day. He did as much or more with us than my mom did. He was always there to pick us up after school from volleyball or band practice. He went to every marching band performance I was ever in in high school (and even some in college). I remember him waking up early and taking me in for jazz band practice at 6:45 a.m. before school. And I don't remember him ever setting me apart for being female...none of that princess mumbo-jumbo that you sometimes hear about. When we were elementary age, I remember sitting outside on a blanket under our huge oak tree while he read to us.
Yes, my upbringing was fairly traditional. But I have a really hard time with those who would say that I was suppressed or damaged in any way by my mother's *choice* to stay-at-home with us or my father's being the main breadwinner in the family. To me, it seems that some feminist are just as guilty of taking away choice from other women as the mysoginists they complain about. Shouldn't it be about choice? And for those who counter with the idea that women are somehow "damaged" as children by being made to believe they have no choice, I find that just as controlling.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about religious feminism, specifically with respect to how we refer to the Divine. It is now politically incorrect to refer to God as He because that sort of thing "damages" us. Apparently male images of God are hurtful because men are hurtful. See, this really bothers me. I find the image of a Father who is always there holding out his arms to extend grace to us and help us through our difficult times VERY comforting. But I'm not supposed to do that. I'm supposed to see a Father figure who is oppressive. I'm supposed to see "Mother Earth" or the "Divine Feminine". I have tried to conjure up those images, but I find that very hard to do. It just doesn't work for me. When I think of God, I think of my Dad sitting under that oak tree with we three children at his feet as he read to us. How is that a bad thing??? I resent the implication that I should abandon that image because there is something inherently wrong with it. To me, a loving father figure is a comfort. I realize that for some people that isn't the case, but shouldn't I have the choice to interpret God in a way that works for me? I guess I always thought feminism was about the right to choose.
I grew up in a fairly conservative environment. My father was the main breadwinner of the family and worked as an elementary school teacher. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until all of us kids were in school and then she went back to work part-time as a hairdresser. I remember being vocal from a young age about girls being allowed to do whatever boys can do. I resented being the one who had to make dinner and do the dishes on evenings my mom worked because I was the oldest girl. But that is really the only slight I can remember from growing up. I don't remember ever being told I couldn't do something because I was a girl.
As for my parents, my mother was happy that she got to have the life she always wanted - to be a mother and have a family. To her, everything else was secondary. A year or so ago I was talking to her and she told me that that's all she ever wanted. She never had desires to go to college or have a career. Now, I know there are those (who don't know my mom, btw) who would say that those ideas were planted in her head from an early age. First of all, I'd say that is an arrogant stance to take about someone you don't know. And secondly, my mom is happy with her life. She was able to have what she set out to get and now she is surrounded by grandchildren whom she loves to spoil. You can see her face light up when her children and grandchildren come to visit. For anyone to suggest that she "should have" done something else makes me angry.
My father was the breadwinner, but he wasn't what I ever considered a traditional hands-off father. As a teacher, he was home from school by 3:30 each day. He did as much or more with us than my mom did. He was always there to pick us up after school from volleyball or band practice. He went to every marching band performance I was ever in in high school (and even some in college). I remember him waking up early and taking me in for jazz band practice at 6:45 a.m. before school. And I don't remember him ever setting me apart for being female...none of that princess mumbo-jumbo that you sometimes hear about. When we were elementary age, I remember sitting outside on a blanket under our huge oak tree while he read to us.
Yes, my upbringing was fairly traditional. But I have a really hard time with those who would say that I was suppressed or damaged in any way by my mother's *choice* to stay-at-home with us or my father's being the main breadwinner in the family. To me, it seems that some feminist are just as guilty of taking away choice from other women as the mysoginists they complain about. Shouldn't it be about choice? And for those who counter with the idea that women are somehow "damaged" as children by being made to believe they have no choice, I find that just as controlling.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about religious feminism, specifically with respect to how we refer to the Divine. It is now politically incorrect to refer to God as He because that sort of thing "damages" us. Apparently male images of God are hurtful because men are hurtful. See, this really bothers me. I find the image of a Father who is always there holding out his arms to extend grace to us and help us through our difficult times VERY comforting. But I'm not supposed to do that. I'm supposed to see a Father figure who is oppressive. I'm supposed to see "Mother Earth" or the "Divine Feminine". I have tried to conjure up those images, but I find that very hard to do. It just doesn't work for me. When I think of God, I think of my Dad sitting under that oak tree with we three children at his feet as he read to us. How is that a bad thing??? I resent the implication that I should abandon that image because there is something inherently wrong with it. To me, a loving father figure is a comfort. I realize that for some people that isn't the case, but shouldn't I have the choice to interpret God in a way that works for me? I guess I always thought feminism was about the right to choose.
Labels: Feminism
posted by Mama G @ 8:38 AM
2 Comments:
At 11:07 AM,
Elizabeth said…
I think it is important to remember that there are several different types of feminism out there. I think the version of feminism that wants to prescribe what people/women SHOULD want is not as widespread as people think it is. Certainly feminists have made mistakes along the way by becoming too self-righteous or too prescriptive, but I think most feminists today (and many many from the past) would say that women and people should have the flexibility to do what it is that they feel called to - regardless of sex/gender. I think they would also ask women/people to reflect on why it is that they want what they want - why is a father-God appealing to us? Why do we want to stay home with children? Why do we feel the need for a mother-goddess? Why is it so important for us to work full time outside of the home? I think all of our choices need to be considered in light of our social position, our background, our sex/gender, BUT that, in most cases, feminists are asking us to simply consider and reflect on the role that our sex/gender plays in these decisions - not necessarily to make a different decision. Of course there are feminist that are extreme on this or that, but in general, I think the movement of feminism today (and, in many ways, in the past) wants women to have choices. And wants to honor those choices. Thanks for an important post. :)
At 2:30 PM,
Yogamum said…
You are not the only one to struggle with this, not by a long shot! I don't have much to add to what Amy and Elizabeth have already so thoughtfully pointed out. The only thing I would add is, don't worry about what some hypothetical feminist would say about your choices or your life. The most important questions worth considering are: Are YOU happy with the choices you've made? And: Are you living your life in a way that lets you use your talents to their fullest (whatever those talents may be) and contribute something to the world? This can be via your family, your career, or some other venue.
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